7 Ways to Get Over a Breakup

1.29.2013
guys, don't take me seriously.  none of what i'm about to say is remotely healthy.  if you're one of those suck it up, work out, eat healthy, get a hobby and sleep well type of people, by all means, try that first.  this is for the rest of us in the real world.

my surefire fool proof tips on how to get over a breakup

watch strippers versus werewolves on netflix.  just do it.  and thank Tara.  and while you watch it, concern yourself with the fact that a strip club in the UK is called SilvaDollaz.

stop eating.  the only silver lining in this whole debacle is that i lost 15 lbs in two weeks.  yeah, that's what not eating for two weeks will do for you, 15 lbs.  no appetite, everything tasted terrible and required just too much effort.  if it was harder than tea and saltines and gummy vitamins, it just didn't happen.  but that's two weeks of no money spent, no dishes to be done, no trash to take out.  and now my stomach shrunk all teeny tiny so i eat two bites of something and i'm full.  health is overrated, my wallet and waistline are happy.

make your friends clean your apartment.  Megan came over and got rid of anything and everything ex related.  not a scrap of anything else to look at or hold and wallow over.  and then Meredith felt so bad (and has ocd) that she vacuumed the whole place.  what you don't do: burn photographs.  they create a giant fireball in your kitchen sink and set off the smoke alarm and require you to open windows during 12 degree weather to get all the smoke haze out that you can't see through as you calm your fake-coughing overly dramatic dog.  ask me how i know.

binging and purging.  no not food, i already told you not to eat and anyway that's gross.  i mean clothesretail therapy.  new stuff.  in just two days i bought: a planner, perfume, sweat pants, yoga pants, 8 dresses, 6 tops, 6 sweaters, 3 pairs of heels, dress pants, a sequin skirt, jeans, socks, a swimsuit, tights, a hoodie, pjs, and winter boots.  and a partridge in a pear tree.  i'm not even sorry about it, even if the lady who signs for my packages is.  but getting all that new stuff meant i had to significantly purge the old stuff.  i got rid of: 16 dresses, 12 pairs of shoes, 2 shorts, 9 pairs of jeans, 7 pairs of dress pants, 3 swimsuits, 10 skirts, and 42 tops.  the fact that i even had 42 to get rid of is appalling, and i'm apparently a hoarder.  (think about that, even if i only spent $10 per top, which i didn't, that's $420.)  so clean out everything you've been emotionally holding on to and fill the space with new pretty things.  like glitter shoes.

don't ever be alone.  you can't be sad about something you don't have time to think about.  so call and text and whine constantly to your friends and parents to come hang out with you and take you places so you can keep busy, make them buy you things, give you money to gamble with at the casino, and help you still run all your errands despite the fact that you don't own a car.

cuddle a dog.  i plan on doing an entire Hawkeye the Healing Dog post.  suffice it to say, you cannot be upset when this little dancing ball of fluff is licking off your tears and shredding your tissues into a million pieces all over your floor.  not upset about a breakup anyway.


and if all else fails, stalk the twitter account of Jenelle.  it's magic.  if it's late and you want to contact your ex, read Jenelle's twitter til the feeling subsides.

p.s. i think you'll all be surprised to hear what i didn't do - drink.  that's right, two plus weeks of no alcohol.  (apparently drinking and xanax are bad, and i prefer the xanax)  i'm going to be a hoot the next time i have vodka on this empty stomach.


21 comments:

  1. haha this is true because i did most of the same thing (in the past) minus the dog.

    now the dog is like super forever love. esp with the awesome dance moves!

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  2. I think every single thing you've been doing is perfectly healthy! (except maybe not eating, but there could be worse things!) Screw working out and all of that, who even has time for that? I love how Hawkeye licks your tears, that is so adorable :)

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  3. Dogs make everything better!!
    I'm glad you found a way to deal with your emotions and feelings, and whoever says that that is unhealthy can go screw themselves. Foreal. (Can I even say that on here?) Keep it up pretty lady!:)

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  4. I love your list. And now I want to go shopping and not eat. I try not to eat anyway. lol. I like your style. =) xans are better than liquor. true story.

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  5. Great list!! :) You will get better honey!

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  6. OMG!! I shop while stressing over school...it's such great therapy...but so bad haha. Pets make great caretakers. Hope you feel better soon...don't waste away to a skeleton please :) *Hugs*

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  7. That list is pretty much the extent of my last break-up. Sounds about right to me, and I came out better on the other side...even if it did take awhile :) It's definitely the best "diet" out there.....but perhaps you should take a couple extra vitamins to make sure you get those nutrients? Haha. Hang in there lady! Xoxo

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  8. GIRL, you got this! I'm not happy about you not eating, but I understand. Hopefully you will slowly introduce toast or eggs? something easy that will give you some nutrition. (ok, off my soapbox now)

    I'm convinced that dogs always know when something is wrong and you need a hug. So they just cuddle up and lick you instead!

    And good job on the shopping spree! You deserve new stuff! And you have amazing friends!! *cheers* to moving on!

    -AJ
    FitTravelerAJ.blogspot.com

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  9. Great post. Retail therapy is a great healer! LOL

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  10. girl - i like this anatomy of a break up.
    but not the actual break up because it made you sad and ain't nobody got time for that. i will gladly help you get back on the drinking horse when your stomach can survive it.

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  11. That list is perfect! You'll have to post about some of your new clothing purchases! Retail therapy is the best. You're doing superb!

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  12. Ahhh, shopping truely is the bestest :) breaks up, but on to the next one! Cheers to that

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  13. Who ever says that this is not how they handle a break up is lying. lol

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  14. YES! All of this is great! And I bet sweet Hawkeye is a fabulous cuddle buddy :)

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  15. I'm sorry about the breakup :(

    I totally do the whole not eating thing. One time it was so bad my mom threatened to take me to the doctor lol. I just couldn't eat though. I joke that I need a bad breakup so I can lose some weight.

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  16. Break ups are no fun! I highly suggest you go buy the Book It's Called a Breakup Because its Broken. Best book ever. You will actually laugh!
    -Christy

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  17. Jenelle makes me feel better about everything and everyone, including Satan if he exists.

    I love your approach. I will add xanax, booze, and drinking in bars.

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  18. awesome post girl. glad to see you back in action!

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  19. Seriously, Jenelle is such a train wreck, she makes you feel a million times better.

    Retail therapy always works!

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  20. Purging & organizing are my best therapy. And then of course, some healthy retail shopping. And as you pointed out, you aren't really eating food at that point, so it balances out pretty well! :)

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  21. I am so sorry! I havent been reading blogs much lately and totally missed the fact you and your bf broke up. I'm a bad bloggy friend. Forgive me?

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