guys, don't take me seriously. none of what i'm about to say is remotely healthy. if you're one of those suck it up, work out, eat healthy, get a hobby and sleep well type of people, by all means, try that first. this is for the rest of us in the real world.
my surefire fool proof tips on how to get over a breakup
watch strippers versus werewolves on netflix. just do it. and thank Tara. and while you watch it, concern yourself with the fact that a strip club in the UK is called SilvaDollaz.
stop eating. the only silver lining in this whole debacle is that i lost 15 lbs in two weeks. yeah, that's what not eating for two weeks will do for you, 15 lbs. no appetite, everything tasted terrible and required just too much effort. if it was harder than tea and saltines and gummy vitamins, it just didn't happen. but that's two weeks of no money spent, no dishes to be done, no trash to take out. and now my stomach shrunk all teeny tiny so i eat two bites of something and i'm full. health is overrated, my wallet and waistline are happy.
make your friends clean your apartment. Megan came over and got rid of anything and everything ex related. not a scrap of anything else to look at or hold and wallow over. and then Meredith felt so bad (and has ocd) that she vacuumed the whole place. what you don't do: burn photographs. they create a giant fireball in your kitchen sink and set off the smoke alarm and require you to open windows during 12 degree weather to get all the smoke haze out that you can't see through as you calm your fake-coughing overly dramatic dog. ask me how i know.
binging and purging. no not food, i already told you not to eat and anyway that's gross. i mean clothes. retail therapy. new stuff. in just two days i bought: a planner, perfume, sweat pants, yoga pants, 8 dresses, 6 tops, 6 sweaters, 3 pairs of heels, dress pants, a sequin skirt, jeans, socks, a swimsuit, tights, a hoodie, pjs, and winter boots. and a partridge in a pear tree. i'm not even sorry about it, even if the lady who signs for my packages is. but getting all that new stuff meant i had to significantly purge the old stuff. i got rid of: 16 dresses, 12 pairs of shoes, 2 shorts, 9 pairs of jeans, 7 pairs of dress pants, 3 swimsuits, 10 skirts, and 42 tops. the fact that i even had 42 to get rid of is appalling, and i'm apparently a hoarder. (think about that, even if i only spent $10 per top, which i didn't, that's $420.) so clean out everything you've been emotionally holding on to and fill the space with new pretty things. like glitter shoes.
don't ever be alone. you can't be sad about something you don't have time to think about. so call and text and whine constantly to your friends and parents to come hang out with you and take you places so you can keep busy, make them buy you things, give you money to gamble with at the casino, and help you still run all your errands despite the fact that you don't own a car.
cuddle a dog. i plan on doing an entire Hawkeye the Healing Dog post. suffice it to say, you cannot be upset when this little dancing ball of fluff is licking off your tears and shredding your tissues into a million pieces all over your floor. not upset about a breakup anyway.
and if all else fails, stalk the twitter account of Jenelle. it's magic. if it's late and you want to contact your ex, read Jenelle's twitter til the feeling subsides.
p.s. i think you'll all be surprised to hear what i didn't do - drink. that's right, two plus weeks of no alcohol. (apparently drinking and xanax are bad, and i prefer the xanax) i'm going to be a hoot the next time i have vodka on this empty stomach.