Everything We Do, We Do It Big

May 30, 2013

the best team to be a fan of - the iowa hawkeyes.  only the best team in college football, no big deal.  why should you be a fan?

i know 'win or lose we still booze' is a college thing and not just for iowa fans.  but we take it to a whole new level.  iowa got banned from having night games until my senior year because regardless of whether the game is at 11 a.m., 2 p.m. or 7 p.m., iowa fans are out there tailgating at 5 a.m.  and then we go straight to the bar and stay out all night, because saturday nights in the fall are for face paint and tailgate shirts, not mini skirts and smokey eyes.  (unless you're a freshman and haven't learned yet.  this is how we spot you.)  our tailgates are better than anyone else's.  period.  and we can drink more than you.  because there's nothing else to do in iowa.

because of this, we're really nice.  guest teams and fans like us.  because we're just too drunk to hate on you.  i've been told ohio state and michigan state are terrible schools to visit because the fans are evil.  wisconsin is up there too, but there's more buckeye horror stories.  iowa fans aren't like that.  our team will beat yours whether we're mean to you or not.  not true.  we lose a lot.  iowa fans have accepted this, much like cubs fans.  so we just drink and if you drink too, we like you.

big ten is where it's at.  look, kentucky is my home, but come on.  how overplayed and boring is the sec?  fine i'm jealous, but whatever, i can predict that shit long before the season starts.  the big ten, or whatever they want to call it since it's actually 12 teams but who's counting, is totally unpredictable.  sometimes, even minnesota is good.  well, no, that doesn't happen, but at least the teams pretty equally battle it out.  better than constantly getting your ass handed to you by alabama.

our guest locker room is pink.  it's just funny.  they keep trying to change it, to no avail.  which is why you see so many iowa shirts in pink, it's an unofficial color.  which makes me happy, i love pink.

our colors rock.  throw on a black shirt and some gold jewelry and you're done.

iowa fans travel.  every away game, you will not be lonely.  buses of students come, alumni come, every single away game is guaranteed to have a huge section of hawkeye fans.  some more than other.  like illinois and purdue - the iowa fans out number the home team fans in the stadium.  this is how i know:

 this is at illinois.  i only know the girl next to me, courtney.  we made lots of new friends.

the fan base is huge.  know what iowa doesn't have?  pro sports.  so all anyone cares about is college football.  (and the cyclones are just not a legitimate team.)  hawkeye nation!  you will undoubtedly meet die hard iowa fans wherever you go and thus have instant friends.  i was in india with my parents and had a girl say 'go hawks' to me because of my iowa hoodie.  india, people.  bangalore, india. 

Venus Trapped in Mars

7 Adult-Like Things I'm Good At

May 28, 2013

i read a book.  this may not be a big deal for most people, and you may even think, given my english major background, that i in fact read books all the time.  this would be false.  after all the books i had to read for my major, and then law school, ugh, i just stopped reading.  if i wasn't forced to for law school, (and let's be honest, even that i found ways around) i just didn't read it.  so if i actually read a book, it better be worth my time.  i decided to go with adulting: how to become a grown up in 468 easy(ish) steps because it sounded like something i could use and possibly would be funny.

i was right.  it's pretty good and cleverly written.  i'm a fan, it was funny.  and i learned things.

one thing the book mentions in the intro is that we don't give ourselves nearly enough credit for the things we do well.  yes, i'm fairly all-consumed with my complete ineptitude with anything involving money or numbers.  i just don't do it.  i always pretend i want to track my spending and that maybe today is the day i'm going to make a budget.  but i don't.  i mean, i pay my credit card off in full every month so i can't be that bad, but... i should probably be saving more than what my parents have done all my life for me.  it just never occurs to me come pay day.

i am good at some adult-like activities though, that i should really give myself credit for.

keeping my place organized.  it's not always freshly lysol-ed clean, but it's never dirty and nothing is out of place.  100% ready for someone to stop by unexpectedly, at all times.

staying on top of e-mail.  blog e-mails, personal e-mails, work e-mails.  i handle everything as close to when i receive it as possible, and i never leave the office with any e-mails in my blog or work accounts.

remembering birthdays (and i have no facebook.)

remembering appointments and being on time.  yes, i use my planner religiously but i often just remember appointments and plans i've made.  and i am never, ever late through any fault of my own.  yeah, if i'm stuck on a non-moving train not at a stop, i have no choice, but i usually head some place so early that even that wouldn't be an issue.

getting along with my parents.  i actually really like them.  we rarely argue.  never with my mom, occasionally with my dad because we have the exact. same. personality.  so we're both stubborn and feisty and always right.  but i would say 98% of the time, things are excellent.

making my bed every day.  this is new for me over the past year, and i'm pretty proud of it!

i'm magic at getting stains out of clothes.  i don't know where i learned this, but i'm darn good at it.

so there, there's my list to look at during those moments when i feel like i'm failing at being an adult.  because i'm not, just because i can't budget and i spend $12 on martinis doesn't mean everything else i do correctly doesn't count.

and now, what adult-like thing are you good at?  answer in the comments to win a copy (a hard copy, not kindle) of adulting: how to become a grown up in 468 easy(ish) steps.  a random number generator will pick a winner.


*the author doesn't know about this.  i just thought it was a fun read and i'd like to pass it along to someone else.

6 Reasons I'm Not A Normal Girl

May 27, 2013

yes i like sparkle and pink, champagne and shopping, candles and dresses.  but some days, i am just not a girl.  i attribute this to my dad.  obviously, my parents wanted me.  i'm adopted.  but they also wanted a boy.  they tried to adopt one the year after me but the universe knew i was meant to be an only child it didn't work out. so my dad just tried making me a tomboy.  and some things really just stuck.  sometimes i'm about as far from a normal girl as you could get.

i don't have my future children's names picked out.  this may be because i am adamantly never having children.  but apparently women who do plan on having kids in the future, even 20 freaking years from now, have potential baby names picked out.  hmmm i guess i'd name my kids carver and kinnick.  done, decision made.  see?  good thing i'm not having kids.  they'd probably get scholarships though.  (for the non-hawkeye fans out there, carver and kinnick are the basketball and football stadiums at iowa.)

my nails are rarely painted.  i hate going to get them done because i hate strangers touching me, especially my feet.  so i opt to paint them myself.  this occasionally happens with my toes, when i'm not too cold to not put socks right back on (hardly ever.)  lucky for me my toenails barely grow, so i can leave the same polish on there for months.  my nails barely ever get done because i suck at it and i always chip them anyway.

i don't have a mental fairy tale wedding mapped out.  i don't have a pinterest wedding board.  thinking about what i'd do on that day bores me to tears and i'd rather just call shenanigans on the whole damn thing and just go to vegas.  i love planning other people's weddings (and in fact that's what i would do if i could escape the law.  wedding plan.)  just couldn't care less about my own.

inspirational quotes are not my thing.  i don't pin or put up quotes about living and loving or motivational anything.  or bible passages.  if i needed a motivational poster in my apartment, i'd put this up.

i've been hearing lately that i'm actually not alone in this one - bridal showers and baby showers are the worst things ever invented.  why don't men have to sit through crap like that?!  especially booze-free baby showers, 'because the mom to be can't drink.'  ooo no no no you are not punishing me for your mistake and making me sit through hours of pretending one-sies are cute.  just kill me.  there are girls in the world who enjoy such nonsense?  i mean, that's why they throw them, right?

romantic movies make me cry, and not in a good way.  as in a 'i'm so bored and this is so stupid i must escape watching the rest of this before i voluntarily choke to death on my popcorn' kind of way.  they aren't cute.  they aren't funny.  they certainly aren't original or realistic.  they're boring, predictable, forced, and no one dies bloody horrible deaths, no one has drunk blackouts, and nothing explodes.  yawn.  and also, a reason all in itself, i think the notebook is the worst movie i've ever seen.  yep.

at least my dad and i bond over our love of the same movies (dumb and dumber) and our hatred of attending events in honor of other people!

Loyalty [Sometimes I'm a Mean Girl]

May 21, 2013

today's topic is all about ranting.  ("Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off"))  i'm sure this isn't what she had in mind, but i'm going to give it to you anyway.  aka, the post samm has been waiting for.

warning: language.  and general mean-ness.  this post is not my usual pg-13.  feel free to quit while you're ahead, i don't mind.  but if you're going to stick around, get ready for some real mean girl right now.

be it the only child, the scorpio, whatever it is in me, i value loyalty above anything else.  it takes me a very long time to trust you, so if you betray that trust... i will crush you.  i mean, there's no other way to put it.  you don't even know what "i'm sorry" really means until you cross me.  i guess it is the scorpio in me.  i sting. it's just my nature.

i know everyone in blogland thinks i'm sweet as pie - and i am, until you betray me.  i have honestly lost count of how many people i've made cry.  every one of them deserved it, i'm not even sorry.  not one bit.  junior high and the girls that came with it were the 3 worst years of my life and the situations that would have made other girls hurt themselves instead made me one invincible little bitch.  so you wanna play?  game on.  there is absolutely nothing under the sun you can do or say to hurt me that i didn't experience at age 13 (or from my my former fiance who hit my head against a wall).  i've heard it all before, and i can guarantee i know exactly how to make you regret you ever met me.

[probably the meanest thing i've said to someone was in high school: "you're like a fucking cockroach, don't you ever just die?"  i got in a lot of trouble for that one.  worth it.  alright, not the meanest.  but the funniest to look back on.  i'm mean and witty.]  people generally think i'm quiet, sometimes even reserved.  no, stupid, i'm listening.  people like to talk about themselves and if you let them, they'll tell you exactly what you need to know to make them cry.  it's a useful skill to have, being able to exactly pinpoint someone's weakness.  maybe not the best way to have spent my childhood but hey, you work with what you got.  it makes me pretty skilled at my job too.

but i'm loyal to the death.  once you're on my good side, i will back you up, fight your fights, defend you even if you're wrong, do anything and everything under the sun to be the best friend you've ever had.  and any one of my real life friends reading this right now will attest to that.  heck, one friend who reads my blog is one day younger than me.  one day.  we've been friends since the hospital at birth, because loyalty is what really matters.  if you're loyal, we're straight.

if you want to avoid my wrath, here's what you don't do.  don't go behind my back and expect me not to find out about it.  even if i don't have facebook, i have friends who are loyal and they tell me everything.  friends who've been around for 23 years.

don't twist up some sick story to try to make yourself look better.  i know you're scared of me.  you should be.  but trying to deny what you did or spin some way to make it look like you did nothing wrong after you've been caught is only going to make it worse.

and most of all, don't come be fake nice to my face when you're really talking shit behind my back, hanging out with my ex boyfriend like you're best effing friends, regularly conversing with one of my sworn enemies - i know you're doing it.

how hard is it to be loyal?  what the fuck is wrong with you that you'd think, as in the case a few weeks ago, showing up with my ex boyfriend to the bar i''ve been at every single thursday night for 5 years in a row is a good idea?  that you won't get caught, that you won't end up pissing me off, that i won't do everything i can think of to make you suffer?  you're deluded.  "i'm sorry"??  ha.  not yet,  but you will be.

(in retrospect, this person's girlfriend broke up with them before i even said anything to her.  karma, bitch.  and i didn't even have to help.  that's what happens when you suck at life.  sometimes karma takes care of it and sometimes i help her.)

ok.  end rant.  back tomorrow with sunshine and rainbows.  that's a lie, but i will be back with pretty sundresses and a party link up.

betsy says i could have been even bitchier with this post.  she's right.  i'll save that for another day.

6 Things I'm Really Picky About

May 20, 2013

let's be honest.  i could have made a list a lot longer than 6.  but then i'd look really nuts...

i only eat the yellow and orange starburst.  apparently this makes me insane.  but anything even remotely resembling cherry makes me barf instantly and the pink ones are so sweet that i gag after 2.

unless it's the jeremiah weed alcoholic kind, i won't drink sweet tea.  sorry southern ladies.  i like my tea iced and completely unsweetened.  and no lemon.

i have to have the plus lotion tissues.  i cannot use regular ones any more, my nose has decided it's much too good for the lower class tissues.  honestly if i use one tissue that isn't the plus lotion kind, my nose turns bright red.

it's gotten to the point where i should just superglue my shoelaces.  my shoes have to be tied perfectly.  perfectly.  i hate when one comes untied (which is rare, since i knot the crap out of them once i get them correct) and i have to re-tie it, it's never quite right.  too tight, too loose, doesn't feel the same as the other foot.  it takes me forever to re-tie it just right and yes, i will make you wait while i attempt it.

the bed must be made in the morning.  i never used to care about this, and in fact drove my mother nuts with never doing it.  but now it's my newest ocd trait.  i cannot leave the house til the bed is made.  it takes 2 seconds (i don't need to put all the pillows on it or have the sheets be perfect) and it makes the room look so much better.

only white paper towels are allowed on my counter.  i cannot buy printed paper towels, they look messy and never match anything.

it's ok though, i'm not crazy.  i just like to control things.  because my way is the right way.

what are you super picky about?

Survey Says...

May 19, 2013

i've been discussing some things lately with some friends and we seem to be falling on opposites sides of the (very serious) issues.  now it's time for you to weigh in.  so survey says....

doritos tacos - nacho cheese or cool ranch?

lingerie - sexy, fun, a good effort to make or waste of money, just ends up on the floor?

paleo eating and training - healthy and how humans are naturally made to survive or why are you trying to train yourself to survive a saber tooth tiger attack?

dark paint on walls - modern or morbid?

netflix - dvd by mail or instant watch?

justin timberlake - still rocking or go away?

homemade cookies - chocolate chip or peanut butter?

one glittered or different nail - cute statement or getting old?

mac makeup - better than the rest or waste of money?

bloglovin - better or worse than google reader?

what do you say?

My Favorite Photo Of Me

May 16, 2013

today's topic - my favorite photo of me and why.  obviously the why is totally unnecessary.

you. are. welcome.

A Classy Cocktail Party {Link Up!}

May 15, 2013

by now you know what thursdays are - the party don't start til i walk in!!  hope you have your party posts ready, link them up below.

i'm relying on pinterest to help me out this week.  apparently, or at least according to my pins, i plan on hosting some fancy cocktail party at my place.  this rarely occurs.  scratch that, that never occurs.  every party at my place involves solo cups, bowls full of vodka jello, drinking games, and borderline inappropriate card games.  but on pinterest i'm imagining some sort of classier version of myself.  one who throws parties at which things like these would be necessary:

first up, this bar cart.  waaaay prettier than mine.  i could never possibly keep mine looking this fancy all the time.  but it seems like i'd need it for my fancy happy hour!

not solo cups.  i think i need upgraded glassware, probably of actual glass, in order to have a truly fancy cocktail party.  this is actually a tutorial on how to make this pretty little confetti glasses yourself.  so cute right?

so technically yes, this is a jello shot.  a champagne jello shot.  but don't they look so pretty??  i'm not sure i could have a party without jello shots or vodka gummy bears, so this could be a nice compromise...

oh, and i'd be able to wear a dress since there wouldn't be any keg stands.  because probably a keg in the bathtub isn't classy any more.  sorry iowa.

would you attend my fancy cocktail party?  actually, would you throw it?  cause i'm too busy playing flip cup and cards against humanity in the corner at a dive bar.


link up your posts with chelsee and i! pretty much anything party related goes.


rules: there are only 3
1) follow both Southern Beauty Guide and Bourbon and Glitter. (at least, we hope you will! we like you!)
2) click on the link below to enter your blog.
3) go visit other blogs saying hello and that you are stopping by from this linkup!

Yeah, Me Neither (Part II)

May 14, 2013

do you ever...

fall up the stairs, when you haven't even been drinking?

dance around and sing along to "pocketful of sunshine" like emma stone in easy a?

miss your mouth when you try to drink from a straw and stab the side of your face or your nose instead?

kind of miss all those surveys you filled out about yourself on myspace, because damn, you were kind of good at those?

get so emotionally invested in a television show that you yell at the screen like they can hear you?

press the door close button so you can have the elevator to yourself?

get recognized by the people at taco bell to the point where they remember your dog's order?

actually laugh at pauly shore movies?

check the toilet bowl for snakes or other creepy crawlies before you use it?

sit down with popcorn and watch twitter drama unfold? (or a friend's little sister's gruesome breakup and makeup facebook displays?)

...yeah, me neither.

10 Little Happy Moments

May 13, 2013

i haven't been doing the entire blog every day in may challenge.  (because whaaat contain a description of myself to 250 words?  i can't, i'm too fabulous.)  but i have been picking and choosing a few that fit what i want to write for the day any way.  today's topic happens to be "10 things that make you really happy" so i decided to give you my 10 little life wins - those little moments in life where things are just going your way.

thinking tonight's episode is the last of the season of your favorite tv show, but finding out there's actually a two hour finale next week.  or a reunion special.

waking up without a hangover despite the 15 hours of drinking you did the day before.

getting two for one in a vending machine.  ya know, something is hanging off and you buy what's behind it or next to it and you end up getting both treats.

changing the radio station in perfect timing to hear your favorite song start.

getting comped something without acting like a brat.  if they completely got an order wrong or reservation wrong, etc., when some nice manager gives you a comp or heck even a free bottle of champagne (that happened at the derby, they got our room wrong but fixed it and gave us champagne!) and you didn't act like a spoiled child to get it.

deciding to buy something or heading to the store to pick up something you really need, and then once you get there finding out it's on sale.

finding an a wireless network without a password when you're out in public and trying to get your phone to connect to the internet.

actually winning a carnival game.  any carnival game.  (want to know which one i always win?  the ladder climbing one.  yep, i rock.  also my dad just paid a guy who ran the game to teach me once, because he got so tired of standing there while i tried it over and over.)

finding a full television series you've never seen before on netflix, and really enjoying it.

and my personal favorite little happy moment - the moment when you are actually able to finish a tube of chap stick because you haven't lost it.

what little moments make you happy?

oh and 1 more because i hate following rules.  the moment one of your real life friends texts you and says they love your blog.  thanks sarah.

5 Things I'm The Best At

May 12, 2013

since i spent a quiet weekend with john since he finally got a day off after 19 straight days and cooking with my mom for mother's day, i have no weekend recap.  so instead, i decided to make a list of things that i am truly the best at.  sure my cupcakes are amazing and my apartment is always clean, but i don't consider those to be my best talents.  think about it - how many activities in this world can you claim you are really the best at?  it's a tall order.  now, i'm not saying there's no one out there in the world better than me at any of these things.  i'm just saying i've never met them.

naked girls photo hunt on the crack machines at the bar. (cause they're addicting like crack.)  you know,  the touch screen game where there are two photos almost the same but you need to find the 5 differences between them.  i'm good at photo hunt period, but i am unbeatable at the naked girls version.  i have the high score on machines all over chicago and iowa city.  i admit, this one i'm fairly certain there is no one better in the world than me.  ask my friends.  this is far and away my best and most impressive talent.  perhaps that means i need to raise my standards and expectations for myself, but no matter.

flip cup.  i know, this is a big one to claim.  but i was trained.  my fraternity "big brother" would not even be associated with me until i truly learned to dominate in flip cup (also called boat races, tippy cup, etc.)  he made me practice for hours in the dirty beer covered basement of his frat, on various size tables, with different cups, drunk versus sober, on and on until i was absolutely perfect.  he finally let me play on his team my second semester of my freshman year and i have quite literally not been beaten since.  i'm unstoppable.  at least in a one on one (or two, three, even four on one) situation.  occasionally there's a team situation at a tournament at a bar where my team gets beat, but it's because they don't play 'survivor style' and let me vote of one of my teammates each round.  my best record is single-handedly beating a team of 5 frat guys.  yes, my whole team got voted off so it was me, drinking 6 cups alone, versus a team of 5, drinking 6 cups total between all of them.  i beat them.

memorizing song lyrics.  i don't even try, it just happens.  i hear a song once and i know every single word, and i remember them decades later.  this even applies to commercial jingles because i can still perfectly repeat "here's a jingle for goldfish, those baked and not fried goldfish" as well as "hello mother, hello father. fleas ticks mosquitos. really bother."  anyone want the address for nickelodeon's stick stickly?  i still know it.

putting my contacts in.  and i should be, it's the very first thing i do every morning since i was 10 years old.  that's over 6,500 days of putting contacts in.  i can get them in with one finger in less than 2 seconds per eye.  people are amazed that i can do it while still half asleep, and without a mirror.  i suppose that's because i can't see anything else until they're in so why bother with a mirror?  at -7.5 in each eye, i'd probably fall trying to get out of bed without contacts in.  (no, i do not own glasses.  i hate them and i look terrible in them.)

looking at the sun.  maybe it's because my eyes are so terrible anyway, but i've always been able to look directly at the sun without squinting and without my eyes tearing up.  it's not like i try to do it on purpose, but it happens.  the sun doesn't bother my eyes at all, which is probably why i forgot to bring sunglasses any where.

so what are you the best at?

7 Things To Be Afraid Of

May 6, 2013

i decided to combine one of my list posts with today's blog every day in may topic - things you're most afraid of.  yes, i already posted my top 5 irrational fears.  however, i'm going with completely rational fears today.  completely rational little moments that you should be concerned about.  not that i'm saying that those fears you have about spiders and dying alone aren't legitimate.  i am saying that.  but seriously, these are 7 times (that happen fairly regularly) to really, really be worried about.

getting your arm chopped off in an elevator door.  i'm sorry, i don't hold elevators for people by sticking my arm between the doors while they're closing.  if you've ever seen me play sports you know that i have zero coordination and that my reaction time is that of those drivers on weed from the old school 'don't smoke and drive' commercials.  what if the doors keep closing and chop my arm clear off and i'm sitting on the floor of the elevator with a bloody stump?!  not worth you being a few seconds later, sorry.  and you shouldn't do it either.  just wait for the next one.

getting too close to the door/peepholes.  there's a knock on your door when you aren't expecting anyone.  what do you do?  anything but open the door or look through a peephole.  have you never seen a horror movie?  that's how you die.  axe murderers shoot through peepholes and smash their axe through the door right where your head is.  no, best to hide in the other room very quietly.

that moment when you slip, but catch yourself and don't actually fall.  this usually occurs on slippery snow and wet, waxed floors.  no, you don't actually crash to the ground, but your heart just stops for a few seconds.  no big deal.  just feeling like you might die.

standing to close to the edge of the subway platform.  i even get nervous when i see other people too close to the edge.  like someone, or even an imaginary gust of underground wind, is going to come and push you off right before the train comes and crushes you.

when someone says 'i need to talk to you about something.'  why do people even phrase anything like that any more??  it means it's bad, people.  don't say that and then follow it up with 'what are you wearing to tony's party?'  not cool.  i always assume 'i need to talk to you about something' means you need to tell me about something stupid i did, or that something terrible has happened.  like your boyfriend cheated on you or you're pregnant.

being boxed in on the highway by semi-trucks.  you're happily chugging along in your lane and all of the sudden there's a semi in front of you, a concrete divider to one side, and and another semi to the other.  you're trapped.  and probably one of those trucks is going to tip over and crush you.  claustrophobic moment at it's finest.

the moment you get cold called on in class.  even if you did the homework, even if you know the answer.  the moment you hear your name called and you aren't expecting it, your heart always skips a beat.

what moments are you afraid of?

Cover Your Bases Bar Crawl {Link Up!}

May 1, 2013

if you've been a reader for any length of time, you know that i love bar crawls.  love them.  obsessed with them.  so naturally pretty much every saturday consists of one.  this past saturday was cover your bases.  cover your bases is an annual bar crawl held in wrigleyville.  you receive a t-shirt with a print in the shape of a baseball diamond on it, and each position is ready to be covered by a sticker.  as you make your way to each bar, you get the sticker for that position.  if you collect all the stickers, you get prizes but mostly you get the pride of a job well done and really drunk.

and tara and i, the ridiculously awesome bar crawlers that we are, stayed out for over 15 hours.  yes, that's right.  over 15 hours of drinking, mostly playing beer pong.  and - no hangovers on sunday.  are we good or what?!

hour one

what your shirt will look like when you 'cover all your bases.'  obviously this is from last year, because we just weren't that great at photo taking this year!

now it's your turn!  let's see your party posts!

link up your posts with chelsee and i!  pretty much anything party related goes.


rules: there are only 3
1) follow both Southern Beauty Guide and Bourbon and Glitter. (at least, we hope you will! we like you!)
2) click on the link below to enter your blog.
3) go visit other blogs saying hello and that you are stopping by from this linkup!

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