6 People There's a Special Place in Hell For

June 30, 2013

people who pull out in front of you and then drive well under the speed limit.  this applies to walking in front of you too, when they've seen you're moving much faster than them.

anyone who rides their bike during rush hour traffic in downtown chicago.  likewise anyone who participates in critical mass each month.  (if you don't know what this is and you hate bikers, please do yourself a favor and don't google it, it'll make you want to kill yourself.)

parents who expect other people to parent their children.  you had it, raise it (or let someone else adopt them).  it's not a puppy you got for christmas that you can't handle, you don't drop it off at a shelter (special circle in hell for people who do that too, by the way).  or your mother's house.

people who phrase something in a way that clearly suggests they want attention, and then get huffy when i don't give it to them.  "oh yeah, last week was awful...." "my boyfriend can be such a jerk..."  i will simply say ok.  i will not ever ask why.  dude, if you want to talk about something, spit it out.  i'm not going to pull it out of you, you're not 12.  grow up.

i'm not in school any more but it still applies - students who ask questions with less than 5 minutes left in class.  everyone. hates. you.  ask after class, e-mail, go to office hours.  do not keep everyone later because of your question.  most times it's stupid because yes there is such a thing as a stupid question.  i heard about 3,754 in my 3 years of law school.  and even if it is a good one, no one else is listening to the answer because they're all concentrated on the clock.

anyone who doesn't tip.  waiters, bartenders, whatever, if someone served you, you tip them.  they generally make less than minimum wage, in the anticipation that it'll be made up for in tips.

Tour de Franzia {Link Up!}

June 26, 2013

yes, i hosted and survived tour de franzia 2013.

tour de franzia is where you go to your local liquor store and buy a ton of boxed wine all at once so everyone stares at you weird but then smiles and announces what a great time you're about to have.

and then you go to the nearest salvation army and buy a pink disney princess tricycle.

then you invite your friends over and make them play various drinking games like quarters baseball, chugging contests, card games, and slap the bag because you must consume the equivalent-of-33-bottles-of-wine you just bought in 6 hours.

and then of course, since it's called tour de franzia, you make them drunk race the tricycle around your apartment complex and pool in front of strangers while yelling 'i'm a pretty pretty princess.'

and this is what they look like after they do this.

and that is how you host your very own tour de franzia.  this weekend, if you'd like it to coincide with the real tour de france.

i even have a pink tricycle you can have...

I'm Surprised They Lived This Long

June 23, 2013

ok first of all, as a follow up to friday, our horse won her race!!  and tara came in for the weekend and made it in time to see the race.  

now that that's out of the way, i'd like to get to the real point of this post.  jennerjohn weekend, or 'photographic evidence of the reasons why i'm shocked this brother/sister duo has survived to twenty something years of age.'

as you might remember, my llbff tara moved back to iowa to study for the bar exam.  but she came in this weekend for tour de franzia.  (which i shall recap in it's entirety, including wonderful tricycle racing photos, on thursday for the weekly 'the party don't start til i walk in' link up.)  we had fun, to say the least.  

and not only did tara spend the weekend with me, so did her little brother david.  you can call him tlb (tara's little brother), everyone else does.  at least, they do now.

 'a coconut bra and a box of pink wine?  don't mind of i do!'

i realized i could not contain all the photos i have to just one tour de franzia post.  and it's almost entirely because i had too many tara/david moments that needed to be shared.  it's not surprising they survived the weekend, because i knew they could drink.  i'm surprised they survived life this long.  all weekend i heard amazing near-death and sheer stupidity stories from their childhood (and let's be honest, from last week), and i'm truly shocked they've both made it successfully to their late 20s.  amazed, actually.

did you know there's (at least) 12 flavors of franzia?

the ultimate in sibling bonding

 i think everyone had a happy jennerjohn weekend.

5 Hangover Cures {Link Up}

June 19, 2013

as you know, this weekend tara is coming into town and we're hosting tour de franzia at my apartment.  which means we're going to party in wrigleyville friday night when she gets here and then proceed to drink boxed wine for 7 hours on saturday, followed by seeing our friends' band band play at navy pier.

so here's something that's going to be absolutely necessary come sunday - my go to hangover cures.

coffee.  i absolutely need caffeine when i'm hungover, it's the only thing that stops my headaches.  if i truly can't crawl out of bed, i'll take a migraine pill, which has caffeine in it, but i prefer to just drink the black stuff if i can.  iced is especially wonderful, because you can hold the cold cup to your head between sips.

pedialyte.  not just for kids with tummy troubles, my friends!  pedialyte is amazing, replacing electrolytes and everything better than gatorade.  they sell it walgreens in a couple flavors.  they also have it in juice box form and it taste like apple juice.  they even have it, in my personal favorite form, as popsicles!!  like the old school flavor ice popsicle sticks in the clear packages that cut the corners of your mouth.  however you try it, you'll never look back.  it's magical, like just a step short of getting a banana bag at a hospital (which was fun in college, til your insurance runs out.)

chinese fried rice or other hangover food.  tara's go to is the fried rice, she swears by it.  i like anything salty and kind of greasy, like diner food.  eggs and toast usually works for me.  or mexican food.

pickles.  i don't want to say that snookie is on to something but really, pickles are awesome for hangovers.  if i eat them the night before, i find that my hangover is less severe, and if i eat them in the morning, it goes away quicker.

sleep.  i wake up at 7:30 every day, even hungover.  it's not fun.  so i drink pedialyte and take a migraine pill and eat some pickles, and crawl back into bed by 9.  usually with sunglasses on.  i try my hardest to sleep off the rest of the hangover.

what are your tried and true hangover tips?!  cause we are going to need them come sunday.

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link up your posts with chelsee and i!  if you have any questions on what you can link up, read here, but pretty much anything party related goes.


rules: there are only 3
1) follow Southern Beauty Guide and Bourbon and Glitter. (at least, we hope you will! we like you!)
2) click on the link below to enter your blog.
3) go visit other blogs saying hello and that you are stopping by from this linkup!

7 More Things It'd Be Awesome If People Stopped Doing

June 18, 2013

so back when erin was in hawaii, i wrote a guest post for her on her blog keep calm & sparkle entitled 7 more things it'd be awesome if people stopped doing.  since work is a bit crazy this week, i decided to just share it all again with you here.  sure it might be a tad lazy but it's certainly efficient.  don't worry, tomorrow i have all new content for you - my go to hangover cures.  you know you want that!


as a follow up to this 6 Things post -  7 More Things It'd Be Awesome If People Stopped Doing

1. Abusing grocery store lines.  You and I both know you have to many things in that cart to be in the 10 Items or Less line.  Get out of my line!!

2. Rummaging for correct change.  If it's taking you more than 30 seconds to find and count it, I'm really not interested.  Hurry it up here.

3. Putting automatically starting music on websites.  Do you have any idea how many tabs I have open at once and therefore how long it takes to figure out which one is playing the music? Stop it.

4. Licking fingers to turn a page.  Gross. Gross gross gross, that's so dirty I can't even stand it.  I will go nowhere near those papers now, thanks.

5. #justsayin = #justunfollowed.

6. walking hand in hand and refusing to move over when I try to pass you on the sidewalk.  I'm about to run through your hands screaming 'red rover', see how you like it then.

7. pushing the glass instead of the handle.  yes, door handles are nasty (feel free to refer to monday's post to see why), but just use your arm or wash your hands.  stop putting your nasty fingerprints all over freshly cleaned glass.

7 Life Rules I Wholeheartedly Believe In

June 16, 2013

1. girls who proudly proclaim they have no female friends cannot be trusted.  ever.  it's one thing to have more male friends or to generally get along with guys better.  that's true for me.  but women need other female friends, even if it's just one great one, and any girl who says "i don't have any girl friends, i just don't get along with girls" like it's a badge of honor to not have these friends cannot be trusted and is psychotic.  so run far, far away.  there is no exception to this rule.


3.  like saying you have no female friends, anyone who says they don't like any animals also cannot be trusted.  none??  dogs, cats, dolphins, frogs, elephants, lizards, horses, cows, bluebirds, electric eels - you can't think of one non human creature you like?  nope, cannot. be. trusted.  you know who didn't like animals?  jeffrey dahmer.  and ted bundy.

4.  i do not believe that "if you have nothing nice to say you shouldn't say anything at all."  i do believe that some people are stupid and others are just plain mean.  if it's my job to point it out to you because you fail to notice that the rest of society hates you for acting like an idiot most of your life, so be it.

5.  all doors, but especially bathroom doors, need to be push to exit, not push to enter.  you have way too much faith in humanity if you honestly think they all wash their hands before touching the bathroom door handle to pull it open.  stop making my life hard!  p.s. i thought all doors are supposed to be push to go out anyway, ya know, in case of fires.  apparently that's a lie...

6.  car alarms need to just stop.  when's the last time you even looked when one went off?  exactly.


Kentucky Views

June 11, 2013

kinda makes me want to go visit kentucky right now.  i might leave tonight.

8 Actually Helpful Sayings

June 9, 2013

aren't you so over sayings like carpe diem and yolo?  (which, btw, are the same thing, and that fact never ceases to annoy me.)  i hate the over used cliched phrases because they often can't really apply to my life.  ok yes, i only live once.  thank you for stating the obvious, i'm not jesus.  i get it.  i much prefer the relate-able one liners.

so here are my favorite sayings.  reminders that are actually useful in real life.  you're welcome.

liquor is quicker.

snitches get stitches.

you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

a good lawyer knows the law but a great lawyer takes the judge to lunch.

in heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here.

life's short so eat dessert first.

my personal favorite isn't blog appropriate... similar to snitches get stitches, but it's about promiscuous women getting sores... you can figure it out.

and tell me that pug face doesn't make your monday suck a little less!

Honey Jack and Coke Cocktail Cupcakes

June 5, 2013

by now you should know this favorite time and calorie saving trick of mine - 12 ounces carbonated beverage plus boxed cake mix (just the dry mix, nothing else) makes cupcakes.  it is just that easy.  soda, beer, champagne, just mix it with dry cake mix and it'll bake right up.

so that's step one of the easiest jack and coke cupcakes you could ever make.  i.e. perfect for the last minute father's day dessert.  mix 12 ounces coke or diet coke (or pepsi if that's your jam) with chocolate boxed cake mix.  two ingredients, you know you love it.  mix them until the batter is just a bit lumpy, and place into liners in a cupcake pan.  bake according to directions on your box, usually around 16 minutes at 350 degrees.  always go the lower of the time suggestion, this is how you keep them moist since they continue to cook while in the hot pan (duh) even after you pull them out of the oven.

allow them to cool completely, undoubtedly the longest time period in this whole recipe.

for the frosting, beat 1 and 3/4 sticks of room temperature butter in a bowl for about 1 minute.  slowly add 6 cups of powdered sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, and 1/2 cup honey jack daniels whiskey. beat until creamy.

frost and enjoy!


link up your posts with chelsee and i!  pretty much anything party related goes.


rules: there are only 3
1) follow Southern Beauty Guide and Bourbon and Glitter. (at least, we hope you will! we like you!)
2) click on the link below to enter your blog.
3) go visit other blogs saying hello and that you are stopping by from this linkup!

When I Read Blog Posts In a Bad Mood

June 3, 2013

honesty is the best policy so i admit it.  sometimes i just get my posts up and respond to comments, but i don't read other blogs.  lesson learned - do not read blog posts when i'm in a crabby mood.  i think everyone and every thing they write about is stupid.  but it's not them, it's me (for once, don't get used to it.)

some things that run through my mind when i'm reading other people's blog posts while in a bad mood:

i can't do that hairstyle.  i don't want to do that hairstyle, it's stupid.  i couldn't do it if i wanted to because i'm too stupid to follow the directions and also my hair is stupid.

why would i make homemade guacamole?  doesn't she know you can buy it in a tub at the store?  duh.

like i care about the fro-yo they got this weekend.  m&ms aren't that cool.  fine, they are cool.  fine, i'm jealous of her fro-yo.  i hope she gets fat off it.

i also don't care where she got those shoes.  or that shirt.  ok i want those shoes.  and that shirt.  damnit they're too expensive, who does she think she is?  mrs. bill gates?  i hate my job, i need more money.  what does she do?

psssh goals.  whatever, no way they worked out 4 times last week.  i'm sure they're lying, who would know anyway?  you're not fooling me, i know you're making that shit up to look good.

ha, my diy project would totally turn out way better than that.  but, i don't need to prove that, i just know.  so i'll just sit here and continue to never do diy projects.  maybe i can go buy it at homegoods and tell people i did it.

her dog is not cuter than hawkeye.

sorry guys.  i promise i don't hate you every day.  just tuesdays.  which is why i skip reading blogs when i'm in this mood.  it's better for everyone.

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