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12.04.2013

TBT: Winning By Cheating Is Still Winning

"winning by cheating is still winning."  although she's offered a lot of fantastic advice over the years ("you can never be too rich, or wear too much glitter"), this is probably my most favorite life lesson my mother ever taught me.  i don't think she means the big things, like, you know, paying someone else to take your bar exam, but the smaller, rather insignificant things that came up as a child.  shortcuts, really.  and by child, i mean this timeline of my life:

one year (i remember one year vividly, but it was probably every year) my parents hosted an easter egg hunt at our house for our family and my friends.  in addition to candy, since my dad wins at life, he also put money in some of the eggs, and my mom put tickets for prizes.  of course, i took one egg with a ticket and one with money, and hid them behind a bush where only i would find them, and then bee-lined for them when the hunt started.  i got my cash and the stuffed rabbit i really, really wanted.  candy is for suckers, you can buy that year round with the money, duh.  winning by cheating is still winning.

i ran track in high school.  i never liked it.  and one evil summer my mom signed me up for cross country training with our coach.  he scheduled a run on one of the hottest days from our high school to the gym at northwestern, which i just googled and is 5 miles via the normal route down main streets.  but no.  coach wanted us to take this incredibly long lake front trail that makes it at least twice as long.  well that's some shit, it's 95 degrees out and i hate being inefficient.  so i fell back a little and then when they couldn't see me, i cut through the main streets of evanston, thoroughly enjoying my now 4 mile stroll.  even stopped for a coffee before jogging up to my mom's car waiting at northwestern, like i'd been just behind the pack the whole time.  got my water, got mom to stop for ice cream and drive me home, and didn't have to run 10 miles.  winning by cheating is still winning.

in senior year latin, we had to translate the odyssey from latin into english.  a few sentences each night as our ungraded homework, for the entire year.  in order.  so i bought the english version and figured out which sentences we were starting with and copied from there.  close enough.  winning by cheating is still winning.

i was absolutely that girl whose mommy did her laundry her whole life.  so when i started college, she tried to teach me to use the washing machines in the dorm.  instead, i purchased enough clothes to last me from start of school to thanksgiving, thanksgiving to christmas, christmas to spring break, spring break to summer.  my best friend worked at 'sunshine laundry,' a tanning salon and laundromat, and she'd wash my sheets for free.  not only do i not have a clue whether my sorority house even had a washer/dryer, but i also never actually did laundry until i moved into my first apartment when i started law school.  when i was 22 years old.  winning by cheating is still winning.


hi mom, i'm home! (and i'm 5'6" by the way)

man, i was a fun kid.  good thing my mom was even more fun.

37 comments:

  1. totally joking... but winning by cheating is soo IOwa!! :)

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  2. This is hilarious! I would have been way too chicken to cheat on the cross country run!

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  3. yes and yes and MORE yes! I support all of these.

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  4. BAHAHA! I'll be sure to keep my eye out for you if one of these days we're playing a competitive game of monopoly (or at least make sure you're never the banker)!!!!

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  5. even though I can see it there, I still can't believe you had enough clothes to last you that long without washing!! All of these are quite hilarious!

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  6. my mom sucked at laundry. I started doing my own at 12. Started doing the family laundry soon after. I still can't cook though. I have no idea what I would do if I ever dated a guy who couldn't cook.

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  7. Your mom sounds awesome, and your story about the eggs totally made me decide that if we'd known each other as kids you would have been the kid that I thought was all awesomeness, but that I would have been too scarred to get to know because I might get in trouble. haha. I love reading your throw back stories!

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  8. PREACH. you're not cheating, you're being SMART about life.

    and i had a friend in college who, whenever his clothes got dirty, he'd just donate them and buy new clothes. which was basically every week.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  9. hahahah omg this is awesome. I love the running one, I would have done that, too!

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  10. I wish I would have heard of this sooner. Your mom is a smart lady. But you're obviously smarter ;).

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  11. so I ran cross country for three years, and my best friend and I cheated on almost every run. sometimes on a long run we would run to someones house that lived by the school and hang out there and eat, and when we saw the rest of the team run by we would sneak out and run back with them.

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  12. The laundry! I'm dying.

    Running 10 miles in the heat is for fools.

    And The Odyssey translation? Total win.

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  13. These are all fantastic! And I feel as though your mom is always a good time! :)

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  14. I am cracking up. I too, cheated in Latin with my translations. Ain't no one got time to spend translating a dead language.

    I think the only thing I remember how to say is that someone has no balls. "Jason (random name I picked) habet non verpa"

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  15. Ugh the running one just sounds smart! Way to go coach for considering heat exhaustion! That is awesome about the laundry! I totally do that now, I have underwear, socks and workout gear for 2 weeks worth so I don't have to do it but every two weeks. :)

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  16. this is SO funny. especially the laundry one. idk how you pulled that off!!

    i quit soccer in high school because i couldn't deal with the miles of running. maybe i should have just taken a shortcut, hahaha

    xo,
    gabby

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  17. ha love it! I did some laundry in college but would usually wait to take it home. one year for Christmas break I was first flying to florida to visit my friend. my carryon bag was FULL of dirty clothes (which, yes, I was taking to florida before flying back home). and that was the one time I got pulled aside for tsa to look through my bag. oops.
    -- jackie @ jade and oak

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  18. This made me laugh, I had a friend in university who would send laundry home to his parents to wash with anyone who happened to be heading that way (they were about 5 hours from school) and someone else would be coming into the city and drop all his clean laundry off to him.

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  19. It IS still winning. I literally just had this conversation with my roommate on Monday. I was totally on your side of it.

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  20. Hahahahaha... the track one is my favorite! I'm definitely with you on that one!

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  21. Ok so I am seriously laughing at the laundry. I got lucky and went home most weekends from college my freshman year and my mom missed me and did my laundry for me! Now the rest of the years I had an apartment with a washer/dryer so there was no getting out of learning how to do it myself. Boo!

    I don't blame you for not running 10 miles in that heat. No thanks! The only place I would be running is into the air conditioning!

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  22. hahaha! In high school our tennis coach always tried to make us run too, and we always found a way of cheating. Poor coaches. Oh my gosh, that laundry pile looks like one I've had between myself, 2 kids, and boyfriend. Whoever said cheaters never prosper clearly never met you! ;)

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    1. Hahaha I love that my laundry pile is big enough to have possibly come from 4 people :) Cheaters always prosper, it's only sad rule-followers who didn't get what they wanted that say that!!

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  23. Bahahahaa...HILARIOUS!!!! And NEVER EVER can you ever wear too much glitter!!!

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  24. My sister did the same thing in college not because she didn't know how to wash clothes but because she didn't want to do them. She still has enough stuff to go a month without having do do laundry.

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  25. hahaha omg this is so awesome.t his is just like my husband- except he just wore his dirty clothes and turned his underwear inside out!

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  26. That's amazing! It takes a certain type of person to be that clever. Sadly, I am too by-the-book and not one of them but I have always envied the smarts of people like you who make it work!

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  27. Oh wow we had totally opposite upbringings, by the time my sister and were about 7 or 8 we did almost all the cleaning, raking, laundry...

    Allie of ALLIE NYC
    allinyc.com

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    Replies
    1. My mom babied me, for sure. I never did any of that! Cleaning my room was the only thing I was in charge of. And not even 'cleaning' just, no stuff on the floor, clothes put away, etc.

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  28. LMAO I love this! and that anonymous commenter!?!? WTH?

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  29. LOL - WOW. The running story is my favorite...because I would do that!

    -AJ
    FitTravelerAJ.com

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  31. Oh this cracked a smile on my face....so love reading your stories, you were a cool kid!

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  32. OMG!!! wow....wow!!! i canot count the ways this post has made me heart you even more!!!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, thank you :) I feel less evil now!

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