I'm Either Going To Jail Or Hell, I Can't Decide

if i could never grocery shop again, i'd be the happiest person alive.  it's not that i mind the actual picking out of items and paying - if i had the store to myself, i'd stay there for hours.  but as hard as i try to shop only during off hours, it's inevitable that i'll run into at least one of my least favorite people alive:

people actively shopping in the checkout line.  i can understand running back for that one item you forget.  it happens to the best of us.  but that's it.  you get one, maybe two.  if you're constantly running back for things you forget, get out of line - you are not ready to checkout.  there's people behind you, and if the poor cashier started your order, she can't just 'take the next person' each time you run back for yet another item so all those people just wait while you run around the store repeatedly.

people who aren't ready to pay.  you just stand there, watching them scan your items, and you can't be bothered to get your money/credit card out?  you have to wait until every item is scanned, then dig around for your form of payment?  did you think a grocery fairy would fly by and your groceries would be free?  no.  you have to pay for them, asshole.  just like every other time.  and god help you if you rummage around in your bag looking for correct change for 94 cents.  or even worse, pull out a checkbook and don't have the store name filled in yet.  you knew you were coming.

people in the 15 items or less line who can't count.  the looks you'll get from me if it's more than 15 could probably spark a small kindling fire.  i really love it when kids count how many items the person in front of them has - that's the only time i like children.  when they're screaming "but mommmm he has 24 items!! it says 15!!"  makes me want to buy them the ice cream they were crying for in aisle 12.

and the two things that just baffle me, every single time:

why is your cart in the middle of the aisle if you're not moving?  everyone stops to look at the shelves, compare prices and ponder brands.  you're not alone in this.  what you are alone in is the fact that you're the only asshole who stops dead center, with your cart, so no one can pass you on either side.  i'm sorry you're of the opinion that grocery store aisles are akin in width to the mississippi river, but i assure you that they are not.  they are two carts wide so move over.  i can't believe that you don't witness everyone else doing this.  they move their cart to one side of the aisle, as close to the shelves as possible.  they also keep an eye on it so they can move if they realize they are in someone's way.  common courtesy doesn't just halt while you ponder which can of kidney beans has the best price per unit.

put. the cart. away.  okay fine, so you don't want to return the cart to the store.  let's pretend for a minute that you didn't just spend all that time pushing said cart around the store and the fact that you can't be bothered to now walk 50 more feet to return it to it's home is legitimate.  (and let's be honest, you're the people who scope out the nearest-to-the-door spot, so 50 feet is a generous estimate.)  at least return it to the cart corral.  yes, that's what those metal things are that take up two parking spots every other row.  it's a place to hold the cart until some poor employee can trek out there to retrieve it.  so now you only need to walk 5 or 10 feet, instead of 50.  and you can't even do that.  instead, you leave in the parking spot next to your car.  adding more work for the employee fetching carts, taking up a parking space (one close to the door no less, let's not forget how you chose your spot), and basically guaranteeing that it'll roll away with the wind into some poor rule-following sucker's car who tried so hard to avoid your shenanigans.  i've even seen you just push it away once it's empty, letting it roll down the row without a care in the world.  i assume you kick puppies in the time you saved not returning your cart properly.  oh and of course, you people who do this, you're the first ones to whine when there's no carts available at the store entrance, as if it's by some magical happenstance the carts just ended up scattered willy nilly around the parking lot.  i hate you.


peapod for life.*

*that's a lie, i live directly across the street from the grocery store, i can't justify peapod.

67 comments

  1. I just cringed reading this. All of those things SERIOUSLY irritate me too!

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  2. YES! Especially on returning the cart, how flipping hard is to return the stupid thing. You lazy ass!

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  3. As someone that used to work in a grocery store, I can't tell you how much I love and agree with every single point!

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  4. Oh, yes. I dread going to the grocery store! I've been known to get only half the items on my list and bolt because I can't stand being there anymore. haha

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  5. Ha, you hate me. I don't return my cart, unless of course the cart return is a space or two away. All of your reasons above are all of my reasons for not wanting to step another foot towards the store again. By the time I'm done shopping, I'm done. I do make sure to put my cart at the top of the parking space though so you can still pull in :)

    Too funny, this is actually on of my confessions for tomorrow's post!

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  6. You forgot people who let their children do the self checkout for them during peak hours! So cute… not!

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  7. I live by a retirement community. I get a lot of those people you mentioned PLUS the elderly who can't walk or shop by themselves. One time, a woman wasnt wearing pants... cringe.

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  8. and this is why I need two different mood stabilizing drugs. Its to keep me from hurting other people. Hmmm.....That reminds me of a story I can blog about.....the times the cops were called on me at walmart. I really thought I was going to jail for fighting with an old lady.

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  9. Yes. To all of these. They are my pet peeve in the grocery store. Especially the carts one!!

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  10. I did an entire post last year on the lazy cart drivers. It makes be become volatile in about 2.4 seconds. I can't even.

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  11. Haha love this. Going to the grocery store almost always makes me leave a little angry. I especially hate whenever it takes like 20 minutes to ring out!

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  12. Yes to all of it!
    And I have the WORST buggy road rage, ever! My mom calls me out on it all the time when we go grocery shopping together.
    Another thing that gets me is when you are clearly looking at something and someone scoots in front of you, or kind of rushes you off, rudely. Like standing wayyyy to close until you finally walk away. Like, no.
    Oh man. People... they're something else for sure.
    And then, sometime I catch myself doing something that irritates me and I just hang my head in shame.

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  13. Ahhh! Why are all your post so TRUE?! The frustration with people in the center of the aisle is so real. My boyfriend gets so mad at me & says I have no patience because I get like visibly irritated. But seriously, do you have no consideration for the fact that I'm not trying to watch you choose a can of vegetables? You should be eating fresh ones anyways.

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  14. Grocery shopping in Iceland would def push you over the edge! People leave their carts everywhere while they are shopping around, no one says excuse me when they reach across your face to grab something off the shelf and the cashiers, I have never seen anyone scan food so fast and push people through! Needless to say I am not a fan of grocery shopping here, I have to try and keep my nice face on for as long as possible.

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    1. Hahaha they leave their carts like they leave their cars! I think the rules don't apply in Iceland - I could never survive there. I probably wouldn't mind the super fast cashier shoving me through but the other shoppers would make me irate.

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  15. Shopping carts in parking spots is probably my biggest pet peeve! Stop being lazy people!! I have have had a cart roll into my car before. And when you go to pull into a spot and there is a cart there. UGH! I sometimes go around the parking lot putting carts away because it makes me so mad!

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  16. omfg i have SO MUCH to say about this.

    those bitches who leave their carts in the middle of the aisle? if i say excuse me and they don't move it, i legit bash my way through and care zero about what they say or do. this is not your house, it's a public grocery store so GTFO.

    assholes who leave the carts haphazard in the lot? i make rude comments all the time. how lazy are you to not walk 2 feet to the corral? and what a great example you're setting for your kids - that it's ok to be an entitled, lazy douche canoe. way to go - you win at parenting.

    i also hate it when people get to the front of the line and then wait for their partners to get there. if you aren't ready to pay and have your shit there, you need to step aside and let me through or i'll ninja kick you in the throat.

    when people who are at the back of the line rush to a new cash that opens up. no asshole, the next person in line gets to be first. i feel NO way about saying something to these types of pricks.

    i can go on and on but i don't want to clog up your comment section with my rants.

    kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  17. First, this post title is awesome.

    Second, yes to these. I LOVE the little kid call-outs, especially on their own parents. Perfection. I hate when parents decide to let their kid drive around the mini cart on a crowded Saturday. Little kid is six - they have yet to learn the rules of the road and I just want to get in and out, not scoot along behind them, cute as they may be. I also hate the giant racecar carts. My husband has vowed to tell any future child that those are for bad kids only. Oh, and one more - not to stereotype because my husband is a better shopper than I, but when "the husband" is sent to the store on a busy day and walks along cluelessly and follows NONE of the established, unwritten rules of the store. I can't take that guy (or woman, sometimes).

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  18. a BAJILLION times YES to all of these!!!!! Seriously everything you wrote I was shaking my head and also getting sweaty palms and anxiety at the same time!!! I hate grocery shopping with a passion, people seriously turn into animals at the Shaws where I shop...one time I was walking in the front of the store near the registers and a woman came barreling out of an aisle and literally rammed me with her shopping cart. I just stood there and looked at her and was like "SERIOUSLY?!?!" and she just KEPT ON GOING! Like she didn't just crash into me with her giant shopping cart...I tell ya!

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    1. I can't re-read my own post because it makes me too mad to think about it all over again! How can someone just hit you and keep on going? Like, no excuse me, no apology just 'i'm doing what I need to do and screw everyone else.' I have no tolerance for people like that, it makes me so angry.

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  19. a BAJILLION times YES to all of these!!!!! Seriously everything you wrote I was shaking my head and also getting sweaty palms and anxiety at the same time!!! I hate grocery shopping with a passion, people seriously turn into animals at the Shaws where I shop...one time I was walking in the front of the store near the registers and a woman came barreling out of an aisle and literally rammed me with her shopping cart. I just stood there and looked at her and was like "SERIOUSLY?!?!" and she just KEPT ON GOING! Like she didn't just crash into me with her giant shopping cart...I tell ya!

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  20. I get Grocery Store Rage, BIG TIME. I'm getting all ragey just thinking about it.

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  21. I get so nasty at the grocery store. it seems the fancier the store the worse the people too! I love whole foods, but i want to cut everyone in that place when I shop

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  22. Yeah grocery shopping is THE WORST. I've been going to Aldi lately and it's a little better there - no carts left out (because then you would lose your quarter), but there are always "those people." The only time I actually liked grocery shopping was when I had to be at work at 4AM, and I would go on my way in around 3AM.

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  23. I put my basket up every single time. There's nothing that annoys me more than people who don't return their baskets!!

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  24. Oh my gosh...YES to all of this. People can be so inconsiderate.

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  25. SPOT ON. and a few more b/c it seems i can't make it to the supermarket w/out running into: 1) the parent who lets their kids run around obnoxiously. i have to swerve my cart so i don't hit your little brat and you dare give me a dirty look? 2) the person who's monopolizing the entire shelf of canned tomatoes and sauces. i know it's a little overwhelming, but pick an area and stay there, i just want to grab my can and get on w/ my life. 3) the customer who tries to interrupt your question for the clerk it just took you 15 minutes to flag down; bitch please, wait your turn.

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  26. YES!!!! My biggest ones are the people who stop in the middle of the aisle and leave their carts in an otherwise empty spot. You're not the only person who has to grocery shop right now, asshole! You aren't Kim Kardashian... the store doesn't close so only YOU can be in it.

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  27. Haha. So True. SLOW PEOPLE!! Get in the slow lane!! lol. I can't stand it when they just stroll along looking at everything and nothing at the same time. ggrrrr.

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  28. the more i read you the more I feel like we should be friends. is this weird? i was nodding my head to all of this. excuse me. you have 29 items and i have 5 (yes I counted) get out of my way.

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  29. Ah the wonderful workings of the grocery store. I'm guilty of being the cart in the middle of the aisle person. I don't do it on purpose though! Teagan will be all "mommmmmm can i have this" 15 yards in the other direction so I have to run and look and I forgot to move the cart. Woof. And then I feel bad. lol.

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  30. I think you just made my blood pressure raise with this post. These are all the things I HATE about shopping in general, especially at Walmart. I seriously get so angry at how stupid some people are. Seriously people!

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  31. The line buggery drives me freaking insane.

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  32. I can't agree with you more!! The store we shop at has the "clicker" that you scan the items and put them in your bags your self and then checkout you just scan the bar code with your store card and you're done!! I've perfected it to be no more than 20 minutes in the store!! One of my favorites are the people in the deli department that have to try every piece of meat and cheese...i mean come on - don't you have a favorite already?!

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  33. yes. to all of this. but mainly the people not ready to pay (I'm ready to pay while the person in front of my is paying. no joke.) and the cart thing, agh, I cannot express myself enough to fully explain how much I hate people who can't return their carts. it's one of my biggest pet peeves.

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  34. What about when someone wants a price check on something, so they hold up the whole line to get the price checked and it takes absolutely forever and they're only saving $0.20! Yo, I will give you 25 cents to keep the line moving! How's that for a deal!

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  35. hilarious!!!! I could write a dissertation about grocery store etiquette....leaving your cart abandoned and going to another aisle???? pure laziness push it over with you!! I always get stuck behind the person who forgets that one thing and then I'm left there feeling super awkward exchanging glances with the poor 16 year old check out girl.....annoying!!!!

    ~Amanda
    Meet @ the Barre

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  36. this is exactly why i try and go grocery shopping at 8 pm on a friday or saturday. NO ONE IS THERE. it's fantastic. i hate people.

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  37. All of these things. Every last one! I used to hate when I would stand in the checkout line and my mom would send me back for something we forgot. I could feel the judging eyes of everyone around me and I would get anxiety that I wouldn't make it back in time before the cashier started on our cart. I would do that curb pick-up thing if I didn't wing my grocery list every time! ha

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  38. I go to the grocery store at 7 AM on Saturday mornings, the most annoying person I run into is the slow/inept cashier. No I don't need a separate bag for every thing I bought but I also don't want my bread in with my bleach thanks.

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  39. My husband fits most of these except the last one (and only because I bitched enough to where now he returns the carts). My husband also will grab an item, decide he no longer wants it, and just shoves it on the nearest shelf. He's the worst grocery store shopper; but I secretly think he does it to annoy me so he can get out of grocery shopping. "I'm on to you, bud!"

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  40. "get out of line - you are not ready to checkout." YES!!! all of the above!

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    1. Right?! Take a step back and reassess, don't ruin it for everyone else!

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  41. I could not agree more. Its like you read my mind! !

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  42. People who block an aisle as if they're the only one there... OMG, this drives me bonkers!

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  43. To me, the worst is the carts left all over the parking lot. When it's windy, they go running into other people's cars...that's just laziness, put the cart away!
    And yes, I prefer to avoid grocery shopping whenever possible!

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  44. Yes yes and YES!!!! I've never encountered so many rude people in my life since I've moved to the city and had to grocery shop here. People will literally shove their carts in to mine to squeeze past.. what happened to "excuse me"?? It's like all manners go out the window while grocery shopping!

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  45. YES!!!! YES!!!! Yes to all of these things! OMG!!! People drive me freaking crazy at the store. How some people can function in life is beyond me. I really hate when people leave their damn carts in the middle of the aisle, or in a parking spot . Just stop! Oh and when they stand there all confused in front of a section for awhile, blocking the very thing you need and don't make an effort to move so you can get what you want and get on with it. Ugh! Common courtesy you assholes! I could go on, but I must stop, I can feel my face getting red and my blood pressure rising!

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  46. This is too funny and I couldn't agree more. You forgot to add the people who throw items they don't want (even meats) in the magazine section instead of giving it to the cashier to be returned. Some stuff goes bad and the store takes a hit. So not cool. You don't want it fine, but the bag person can at least bring it back for them so it doesn't spoil.

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  47. I do NOT understand people who just leave their carts in parking spaces. Do you know how ignorant you look? Don't you feel the teeniest bit of shame? I can't wrap my head around it!

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  48. So true, so very true! Seriously, the pulling-the-wallet-out at the end of the order infuriates me. And yes, those ppl who can't put their carts away, grrrrrrrrr. You know what else bothers me? Those people who can't use the self checkout line yet get in it anyways. Or get in it with a cart full of groceries. Once, a person walked into me and then said under her breathe, "that's why i hate coming to this store." Woman, you walked into me! Lastly, I use Peapod's pickup service sometimes, when I remember to place my order since you can't pick up orders within 24 hrs.

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  49. Ughhh people who are too lazy to put their carts away are the worst. Really?! You can't take an extra 5-10 seconds to push it a few more feet into the cart area? *sigh*

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  50. haha this is great. I totally agree with all of it especially the cart thing. Ugh this reminded me of how much I hate grocery shopping and how I need to go tomorrow.

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  51. It's posts like this that make me adore your blog. You say all the things I think and then feel SO guilty for.

    I love kids, but I especially love kids who count the items belonging to people in the 15 items or less aisle.

    The other people I hate are the people with either an overflowing cart or multiple overflowing carts (the ones who look like they're stocking up for hibernation), and don't let the stressed out mothers with kids and only a few items in line directly behind them check out first. I don't mind so much when I have to wait (though it's still super annoying), but give the poor mother a break!

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  52. OMG. The stopped in the middle of the aisle with the cart thing. I can't. It drives me absolutely up a wall. Move overrrrrrr.

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  53. I try to go to the grocery exclusively on Sunday morning (when everyone's in church)-- precisely for the reasons you listed! One other thing that makes me rage? People who pay with a check. Seriously, A CHECK?! It's 2014 for crying out loud! And they're always the ones who wait until everything has been rung up to even think about putting pen to carbon-paper. Grr.

    [This was not good for my blood pressure early in the morning.]

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    1. My store stays open til midnight so I try to go as late as possible on friday/saturday/sunday because no one is there but drunk college kids in the liquor section and I can totally live with that!! I see checks way too often. I can't even believe it! It makes me nuts.

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  54. Haha I was at the grocery store the other day and I was like OMG yes I pretty much hate everything on this list too. ALso...if you were in China trying to do groceries you would die. My first couple times I nearly had a panic attack.

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    1. Oh jeez if China is worse than Chicago I don't ever want to do it! People are already saying that Chicago is worse than other places. We do not have it easy, my friend.

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  55. I think the two of us would get along really well, no patience for these sorts of people! Well, actually I have no patience period.

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  56. Oh gosh, let's also add the people who do the sneaky push in when you're standing in line and think that you're dumb enough not to notice that they weren't standing in front of you a few seconds ago.

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  57. I can agree with everything but as a mother of a 4 year old girl I need to start teaching her how to shop in the grocery store properly,early in life. I do let her push the cart for an isle or so to avoid being the mother with a tantrum throughing kid. she knows when we stop to put the cart against the shelves. this makes her happy then she is on to the next thing usually wanting to play on my phone or the coupons. I do let her scan in the self checkout isle when i only have one item. if i have more than one item its hands off. My biggest pet peeve would be all the crappy toys they have all over the store. This causes more tantrums for me than anything else. And probably every other mother in the store. If I could leave her at home to do the shopping I would but i can't leave the house without her.

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    1. I love that you're teaching her!! Then she already has the knowledge and won't grow up to be one of these horrible people.
      I know the toys you mean, they're always dispersed where kids see them most, like by the cereal and in the baby aisle. Or by the ice cream! It doesn't make sense because it really isn't grocery related. I'm sure it's a pain to parents everywhere!

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  58. I loved reading this hahaha - you're so spot-on!

    Bailey
    aka Bailey

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