Putting Yourself First

2.25.2014
as an only child, and as a scorpio, it's extremely easy for me to put myself first.  i don't have that innate quality that a lot of women have that tells them to put others first.  whether you refer to that as 'motherly instinct' or another term, it's simply something i've never had.  women tend to make sure others are feeling okay or having a good time, put those oxygen masks on their kids before themselves, defer to their significant others on where to eat or what to do on a sunday.  i am so solidly not in that category.  oh you don't have an opinion on something?  that's fine, because i do and i'm happy to share it with you.  i do what i want, when i want, where i want, how i want, and i always have.  you can join me or you can go on your merry way, your choice is no sweat off my back.

it's hard to be in a relationship with a my way or the highway attitude.  as reflected in my string of failed relationships, obviously (kidding, relax, i don't really think that, i know i dated some assholes.)  but i know i can be hard to be with.  even my friends can attest to my stringent friendship terms, because at this point they've all been tested and passed with flying colors.  those that have gotten the boot will tell you in 2 seconds flat what a bitch i am.  because of this attitude, i tend to surround myself with people who i refer to as 'laid back' and who my mother refers to as 'doormats.'  she thinks meredith is my best friend because i can boss her around.  (untrue, we've been besties for 18 years, wouldn't she be sick of me?)


yes, i like to be in control.  always.  i also like to win, always.  john allows this but only to an extent, which i think is why get along so well.  previous boyfriends were complete and total doormats, and i got bored, fast.  i already have a puppy, i don't need two.  john lets me pick what we do and where we go, but is steadfast on picking his own clothes, not letting me drive his truck, and making sure we attend family parties.  most of the time he's so laid back, i try to make my best efforts to put him first.  this does not come naturally.  but i do try at it and he hasn't complained yet.



have you taken the love languages test?  my love language is 'acts of service' which means i think you love me when you do stuff for me like take out the trash and let me drag you to weddings even i don't want to be at.  john's is 'words of affirmation' which means he feels loved when i tell him i think it's awesome how hard he works and how nice it is every time he goes over to do housework for his grandma.  (i suspect it's because his family just expects this of him and doesn't say thank you.  he needs to feel appreciated.)

i don't really know what the point of this post was.  but that's what my once a month wednesdays are for, typing without thinking.  and i think, mostly, i just wanted to tell you about how controlling and bossy i am.  and how good i am at it.  #onlychildproblems

what's your love language?  do you put everyone else before yourself?  is that a girl thing i just fail at?

43 comments:

  1. I am also a scorpio...but the oldest of lots of kids and the polar opposite of you. haha Sometimes my husband tells me to "stop being such a pushover" but it's just where I am comfortable. I wish I had a little more of the qualities you described up there. It would be nice to be a tad bit more assertive and decisive.

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  2. I tend to put others before myself a lot. I've been getting much better at is as I get older though.

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  3. As I've gotten older I've noticed that I do infact put almost everyone before myself. I think as I've gotten older I also enjoy making other people happy, not just myself. A lot of times I still would like to have my way, but sometimes it's just means more to me to see those around me more happy.

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  4. We're the opposite, D is Acts of Service and I'm Affirmations. If you have all day I can tell you how great this is and why it works :).

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  5. I am a little of all of them. Probably acts of service and affirmations the most.

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  6. I TRY to put others before me, and sometimes I do it without thinking about it, but as I've gotten older I've realized that I'm really selfish. And think a LOT more about myself rather than others. Oops?

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  7. I tend to put others before myself a lot of think about how my actions will affect others before myself. I am the oldest of 5 so I grew up with a lot of pressure to be the role model and set a good example so that mind set has kinda stuck with me.

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    1. Wow I could not imagine having 4 siblings! That's a lot of pressure. I'm glad I'm an only child, even if it does make me selfish. I think I'd be a terrible role model for kids!

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  8. I was always of the mind set that I come first. it wasn't until i had a kid when that changed (sort of). my husband is really laid back as well so most of the time, i get my way but then when he pipes up and decides he wants something, i say: what's with all the back-talk? he thinks i'm kidding when i say this but i'm actually not.

    -kathy | Vodka and Soda

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  9. Amen to dating assholes - just finished dating one. :P I put others way first, which is sometimes why I date said assholes for way too long. And my love language is words of affirmation. I NEED people to tell me how great I am. :P

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    1. And good for you for being done with him! I can definitely see you putting everyone else first (I mean, you visited him way more than he did you!) so I say it's time to put yourself first. And have someone always tell you how awesome you are ;)

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  10. I'm kind of in the middle. I grew up very sick, so I was used to everything being ALL ABOUT ME. But, some of my selfishness started to wear off as I got older. Now sometimes I think I put others before myself too much.

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  11. I'm not an only child, but man do I do what I want, when I want, and how I want! I think it helped that my little sister seriously did whatever I told her growing up. And she still kind of does. I ALWAYS have to be in control too. I freak out if I'm not. But I have been better about putting others first when necessary.

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  12. I'm half and half on this. If I really want something, it will be my way. But if it's easier to let somebody else have their way, I'll do it. Except Blake. Shit is never his way. Ever.

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  13. I should look into what my love language is. I definitely do put people before myself and I don't care to be the decision maker so it always works for me to have someone who does. I often run into issues with my friends because I am too laid back and often let myself get run over because I can't make a decision.

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  14. I was the SAME way until I had Mav - he comes first without hesitation now. Thank God!! I think my friends would describe me in the same way as yours. We like things our way - get over it already!! Travis is the first to call me out on what he calls "My Only Child Fits" hey at least he still loves me!

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  15. I put others first maybe way too much. I tend to get lost at times when I don't consider myself enough. I am the physical touch and quality time person. Hence my love of cuddling.

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  16. My love language is definitely words of affirmation. I love to be encouraged, and a lot of times words of criticism can shut me down completely. Chris' love language would be acts of service. Funny that we're the opposite of you and John. I am the youngest of 4 which can be similar to being the only child. I always got my way, and it has been quite the process to realize that I won't always get my way...and sometimes it's for the better! I am also a recovering people pleaser though. It's like I went from being completely selfish to the other spectrum of putting others first, and now I'm trying to find a balance.
    Eva Marie

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  17. as a semi only child (my sisters weren't born until I was 7) i can totally identify with this post. I think I'm fiercely independent, which is a good thing, but I also want to be in control a lot, which can be difficult. I think my love language is a mix of words of affirmation and acts of service. sometimes i just think I'm all of them, oops..!

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  18. I definitely put others first! Is that love language test from that book? I need to read the book!

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  19. I definitely have the opposite issue and I think I don't make myself enough of a priority sometimes. I think it's great that you haven't compromised yourself in your relationship though, but have still tried to put him first...that's definitely what counts, to an extent!! My love language is acts of service too! My husband's is quality time.

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  20. I am a complete and total door mat. Feel free to be my friend :) You can pick where we eat and what we do and I will be so happy that I didn't have to make a decision that you might not like.

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  21. I'm an only child. I think I balance this well. I put others first, but know when to put the focus back on me. I IS IMPORTANT!

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  22. I feel like I am 50% selfless and 50% selfish. It just depends. When we go out, I pretty much call the shots on where we go, what we're doing, who we're going with, etc. But I'm also the person to drop everything or do something I may not really like doing if it will appease my boyfriend. He's not like that as much (he has no problem saying no to something I want to do if he doesn't want to do it) but at the same time, he doesn't give a shit where we go, what we eat, etc. It's a nice balance but I wish I was less predictable when it comes to giving things up for him. I feel I do that a lot.

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  23. I have no problem acknowledging the fact that I put myself first. If I don't take care of myself and see to my needs, how will I be good to anyone else? MFD's needs are high on my list, but I know that I always need to put my needs at the front. I really hate when women in particular don't do this, and then they complain about how they hate their lives and have no time for anything and are so stressed. You did it to yourself!

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  24. I made Joe take that quiz but he didn't buy into it. I like giving thoughtful gifts- but I like acts of service.

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  25. I think being a big sister with 6 younger siblings definitely has an influence on how fast I can snap into "mama mode:selflessness necessary" when needed, though I know that's not by my own power. I think very few people are fundamentally selfless, selfish is more natural and human. And yet selfless love has been a very powerful force in some of the great stories throughout history.

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  26. I have a problem with putting other people first too much. I have to remind myself it's ok to do things for myself. I usually benefit from having a friend (or two or three) like you who kick me in the butt to be a little more "selfish". haha

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  27. I love how real you are in this post! I also need to know my language of lurrrveee.

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  28. I need to take this love languages test! And I'm gonna make Jon take it too... Anyway, yeah I'm an only child and I have to consciously, continually remind myself to consider others' needs. Even then it's hard to defer lol. Jon on the other hand is the eldest of four, so he has the "maternal" (paternal?) instinct where he wants to make sure everyone's taken care of and fed. Bodes well for me :)

    www.Desgettier.com

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    1. Definitely take it! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ It's really fun to know. Haha especially as only children, if I didn't know John's love language I'd probably never even consider his needs. He's a middle child so he's pretty good at taking care of me!

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  29. I think I'm a combination of the me first and others first way of thinking. There are some things, or relationships that I can walk away from in a second if I'm not getting what I want, but other times when I take a step back and see if I can accommodate the other person...sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but that's the way I am!

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  30. I ordered that book the other day and I've been reading it....can I be like all of them? I need positive words but sometimes physical contact is a good thing right? ;-)

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  31. i am a lot like you it sounds like! in my marriage, i decide when we do something, what we do, how we do it, who drives, which car, everything! i like to be in control. my husband is sooooo laid back. i really REALLY try to stop and think "how can i make my husband happy" and try to put his needs before my own. i try to do that everyday. my love language is touch and my husband's is quality time!

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  32. Although I'm not an only child, I am the only girl so I got that "the world revolves around me" selfish attitude as well. And one of my friends actually told me that I am hard to be friends with. Thankfully I have calmed down a lot since having children. I am now more patient, understanding, and learned how to think about others before myself. And even more thankfully, my husband accepted and loved me just as I naturally am.

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  33. You are speaking to another Scorpio only child (I have an older step-sister but we have never lived in the same house so she doesn't count), and yup, this is me in so many ways. I am right. I think this way and I want you to think that way, too. My husband calls me out on my need to be right/have things my way/be in charge all the time. Sometimes it's hard at work. They just don't get me!

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  34. My husband's love language is acts of service, too! And, I think after being with him for so long, I start to feel/show love through acts of service, too. Though, originally mine was quality time. It's been interesting learning to cater to each other's love languages, for sure!

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  35. Greg says I am the most head strong person he knows and that it always has to be my way. Well yeah because I am clearly always right. I have a string of assholes too, but I'm giving that up for lent :)

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  36. You are a Scorpio AND an only child too? You had me when you introduced me to Taco Fest in Lakeview... Now I know we're soul mates.

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  37. Turns out my love language is receiving gifts! I love presents. :)

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  38. I'm a Taurus and only child! Talk about being stubborn and always getting my way and what I want haha.

    A few years ago, my husband and I took the Love Languages. All five of them were in the exact same order for both of us. We are so similar but different.. I mean, we are so laid-back and don't really let petty stuff bother us. We got physical touch.

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  39. I'm the same way, I just couldn't put it into words!

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  40. My love language is food. And beer.

    But really, putting other people first has been my downfall for many, many years. And Justin MAKES me put myself first so now everyone thinks I'm an asshole. But I'm happier, so whatevs!

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