ridiculous adam sandler movies aside, i really do wish i had a remote control for life. if you were offered one, would you take it? i would. not to go back and drastically alter my life or anything - just to make it easier each day. i think the top 5 buttons on my universal remote would be:
mute. don't even pretend for one minute like you wouldn't want the ability to mute people. that would be the best power ever. in the adam sandler movie, the remote memorizes that he hits fast forward so much that it starts fast forwarding all the time. if that was the end result of me hitting mute all the time, trust me when i say that, for most people, i would not be disappointed. not sorry.
split screen. would solve the inability to be in two places at once problem, wouldn't it? on nice sunny days, i could be at the beach while also still getting paid and keeping my job. i wouldn't have to choose between a wedding and a birthday (an upcoming dilemma in september when my dad will be turning 75 on the same day one of my best friends is getting married.) and most important - i'd never have to leave hawkeye because i could always still be at home with her!
fast forward. i feel bad if i rsvp 'no' to things like bridal showers and baby showers (for people i actually like.) but i have no patience and those things slowly crush my soul. i'd like to be able to show up, put my gift in the pile, and drink mimosas while i fast forward through all the small talk and game playing bullshit. this would also be applicable to gym time, family parties, and doctor's appointments. and any time i get sick.
rewind. or pause. i don't like to think before i say things. i probably should. and also, how nice would it be to rewind to the moment where you agreed to 'just one more' shot of jameson and make better decisions?! i'm looking at you, post-bar exam 13 shots of jameson night circa 2010. or that moment on saturday where megan and i decided that one trenta cup of vodka orange juice each was not enough and we should go get refills even though she had work at 9 a.m. oh right, and of course rewind and replay all the good stuff like the rascal flatts song says. but mostly the jameson thing.
tv guide. right? a list of everything going on in your life or town at that moment. and things like birthdays and anniversaries. i'd never need a planner again. i'd also never forget to visit the dentist because i'd be as on top of it as i am a new episode of scandal. especially if i could also set up reminders and auto-tune.
what buttons would be on your universal remote?