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5.19.2014

A Universal Remote

ridiculous adam sandler movies aside, i really do wish i had a remote control for life.  if you were offered one, would you take it?  i would.  not to go back and drastically alter my life or anything - just to make it easier each day.  i think the top 5 buttons on my universal remote would be:

mute.  don't even pretend for one minute like you wouldn't want the ability to mute people.  that would be the best power ever.  in the adam sandler movie, the remote memorizes that he hits fast forward so much that it starts fast forwarding all the time.  if that was the end result of me hitting mute all the time, trust me when i say that, for most people, i would not be disappointed.  not sorry.


split screen.  would solve the inability to be in two places at once problem, wouldn't it?  on nice sunny days, i could be at the beach while also still getting paid and keeping my job.  i wouldn't have to choose between a wedding and a birthday (an upcoming dilemma in september when my dad will be turning 75 on the same day one of my best friends is getting married.)  and most important - i'd never have to leave hawkeye because i could always still be at home with her!

fast forward.  i feel bad if i rsvp 'no' to things like bridal showers and baby showers (for people i actually like.)  but i have no patience and those things slowly crush my soul.  i'd like to be able to show up, put my gift in the pile, and drink mimosas while i fast forward through all the small talk and game playing bullshit.  this would also be applicable to gym time, family parties, and doctor's appointments.  and any time i get sick.


rewind.  or pause.  i don't like to think before i say things.  i probably should.  and also, how nice would it be to rewind to the moment where you agreed to 'just one more' shot of jameson and make better decisions?!  i'm looking at you, post-bar exam 13 shots of jameson night circa 2010.  or that moment on saturday where megan and i decided that one trenta cup of vodka orange juice each was not enough and we should go get refills even though she had work at 9 a.m.  oh right, and of course rewind and replay all the good stuff like the rascal flatts song says.  but mostly the jameson thing.

tv guide.  right?  a list of everything going on in your life or town at that moment.  and things like birthdays and anniversaries.  i'd never need a planner again.  i'd also never forget to visit the dentist because i'd be as on top of it as i am a new episode of scandal.  especially if i could also set up reminders and auto-tune.

what buttons would be on your universal remote?

30 comments:

  1. I would absolutely use mute to make everyone just be quiet when I've had enough. Or to get rid of other people's phone conversations.

    Fast forwarding through working out, showers, and the work day would totally rule.

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  2. I would LOVE to have one. Mute alllllll the way! Fast forward, rewind and pause!

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  3. Mute everything!!! That button would be worn down on my remote!

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  4. ohhh i would definitely like to rewind. sometimes i speak WAY before I think

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  5. A tv guide would be awesome! Rewind, fast forward and pause would come in handy all the time as well!

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    1. I just want to fast forward the next 22 minutes so I can leave work and enjoy the weather ;)

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  6. I would use MUTE a lot!! I like silence it really is golden. Fast forwarding through work is a must!

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  7. i would only have 2 buttons: mute and power (off). people talk too damn much all the live long day or their very presence annoys me so being able to just turn them off would be awesome.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  8. Record.

    I am so fucking forgetful that I would need to record whatever it is that I "missed" and play it back. I would be all like "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's where I left my keys!!!!"

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  9. I love the mute, obviously, but I think a pause would be lovely, too. Some days or moments or events are so great that you want to soak them up and breathe them in before they're over but you never get the chance. I'd love a pause for the really good stuff!

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  10. Fast forward! I would fast forward through work, the gym, Christmas Shopping.... It's 2014 for crying out loud when is somebody gonna get on this??

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  11. Haha I would be muting everyone! Just shut up!

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  12. I totally agree with your buttons! Mute & pause would definitely be my favorites.

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  13. Small talk and games at showers are the worst!

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  14. Pause or stop would be my BFF's. I could stop the action while I calm myself down before exploding at people. Or you know just use it to take a selfie while no one can judge me...

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  15. Why can't I be as creative as you!!! I love this post :) DVR button so we can relive those good memories :)

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    1. You are creative!! Plus, your creativity is more hands on. I could never DIY anything haha.

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  16. I WOULD LOVE TO PAUSE LIFE sometimes!!!! Specifically so I could SLEEP IN EVERY SINGLE DAY... Without actually sleeping in! Or I would pause certain amazing situations and just bask in their amazingness!!! :)

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    1. Sleeping in without getting in trouble for sleeping in haha I'd be so much happier in my day!

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  17. MUTE.
    YES PLEASE.

    can i use it on my students??
    And really, split screen? If I could hear the ocean right now, life would be grand!

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  18. I'm all for mute, I'd mute my kid at about 6 PM every night. When Grandma brought her home last weekend she said, "this kid talks from the time she gets up in the morning and never stops". Welcome to my world mom!

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  19. ha, these are awesome! I'd like to pause and mute my 3.5-yr old please. He whines a lot. And maybe pause also so I can enjoy all my girl's baby rolls. Just growing up so fast!

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  20. What a great idea! Mute is a must, but I think the best would be split screen. Like you, I would always be with Cooper on one screen so I don't have to worry about him!

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  21. Ahhh yes...if only life had a mute button. I would be muting people on the daily!!! Rewind and fast forward would be nice too!

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  22. Mute and Fast Forward.....oh hail yeah! I wish...

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  23. Seriously, were we separated at birth!? I hate RSVPing to showers and that crap. I hate attending. Id rather just send a gift.

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  24. 100% Agree with the mute button and a hibernation mode integration with the ability to pause. Because sometimes I just need to catch up on some zZz's to be human again. Happy hump Day Stephanie! -Iva

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  25. I need this! I need this really really bad.

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  26. SPOT.ON.
    my hatred of most everyone means i shouldn't be allowed to be around people. this remote idea of which you speak would greatly help me.

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  27. I would need a "subtitles" button because GOOD LORD my boyfriend mumbles SO much that I always have to ask him to repeat himself a million times!!!!

    Bailey
    aka Bailey

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