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1.27.2016

6 Reasons Why I'm Surprised I Have Friends

a lot of times i tend to hang out with the same people.  john, mostly, but also his brother and his girlfriend (eric and beth), and 3 friends that come to mind.  but when i do branch out and make the effort to see more of my friends at once, like i did on saturday, (this task seems to be getting more difficult as i get older and people move) i'm reminded of the fact that i probably shouldn't even have any friends.  sure i'm loyal as hell once you are my friend and i'd do anything for you, but i'm often surprised by how many people have stuck around over the years.  why?  well:

- i'm bossy af, honestly.  i'll certainly ask what you prefer to do but if you hesitate for a second and don't have a plan, i do, and i will enact it with the german italian efficiency buried deep within my dna.  and if we stray from my plan or you suggest going somewhere i really really hate (looking at you, eric and beth, every time you suggest douches deuces and diamonds) i get downright hostile.

- i have no filter and i'm the tough love friend.  you don't come to me for beat around the bush advice or sympathy.  i'll tell you when you fucked up, i'll tell you when you should dump his ass, i'll tell you that shirt is terrible and makes you look 20 lbs heavier. (ask betsy, i just did it to her a month ago.)  but if you want honesty, i'm your girl.  i will always tell you when you have something in your teeth or when your eye makeup is smearing.  i'll tell you that purple's not your color and call you out when you whine like a 7 year old.


- in the same vein, i'm not the friend to go to when you're sad.  i'm awkward.  like the 'ok... head pats... no more cry...tissue?'  i don't know what to say or do.  but go get drunk?  go pop some tires and key that bastard's car?  i'm that friend.  i'll go do things with you that could get us arrested, but i don't sit on the couch and watch the notebook.  i'm a fixer, not a wallow-er.

- i don't have a sense of shame or pride or dignity or whatever it is that stops people from singing spice girls karaoke or dancing on bars or wearing costumes for every occasion.  if you're easily embarrassed, you really shouldn't be around me.


- i ghost, which i don't see as a bad thing but it drives my friends bonkers.  by ghost, i mean irish goodbye or whatever other term you have for it - i will leave without telling you i do so.  most of my friends have caught on to the fact that me saying 'i'm going to the bathroom' is code for 'i'm leaving and not coming back' but sometimes they forget and then panic that i got stolen or something.  seeing as how i outlast almost all of my friends when out partying, this isn't a regular occurrence, but it bears mentioning since it drives people nuts when it happens.

- i don't answer phone calls and it can take me hours and hours to text you back.  whatever, there's more to life than your phone, guys.  and if i'm out for the night?  forget it, just text the person i'm with instead.  the phone goes in god's pocket (my bra) at 7 pm and doesn't come out until i get home.  i've lost it too many times to be pulling it out for something as frivolous as texting in a bar.  it can wait.  but even at home, i tend to leave it on vibrate in my purse after work so i don't look at it again until just before bed when i go to charge it.  i'm just not a phone person, sorry.


thanks for sticking around anyway, friends.  i like you too. 

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