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8.31.2016

My 3 Least Favorite Bars in Chicago

You know you have it - the one place that's a hard no when someone suggests it on a Saturday night.  Generally, I'm a bar lover.  Dive bars being my favorite, naturally.  But even if it isn't a total dive with no crowd and a crack machine, I can tolerate a lot - heck, my best friend used to drag me clubbing and I survived (RIP Republic, you weren't so bad.)  I'll even willingly go to a lot of other bars that regularly make 'Chicago's worst bars' lists, like John Barleycorn, Carols, and Mothers.  I happen to love Mothers.  But there's a couple that get a resounding no from me, every time (and see, I have photos of myself at each place besides #2, I'm not basing this on nothing):

Deuces and Diamonds.  A lot of places in Wrigleyville can be douchey, because it's where frat boys and overgrown frat boys hang out.  But Deuces is the lead float in the douche bar parade, which is really saying something in this neighborhood.  If you actually choose to go here, I probably hate you and we have nothing in common.  It's the Clark street capital of salmon colored shorts, popped colors, entitlement, and sunglasses at night.  It's one long 'My New Haircut' video.  (Which is hilarious to watch online for 3 minutes, but not in reality for 3 hours.)  The fact that their outdoor area has a chlorinated mini fountain they encourage you to wade in?  I just can't.

(Hopefully you've seen enough photos of me to know when my smile is fake.  Like here.)

Hangge Uppe.  Look, I loved it when I was freshly 21 too.  It's open until 4 a.m.!  It plays nothing but 80s music downstairs!  They have a dance stage! They have shots in tubes!  And therein lies a major sign I've outgrown this bar - they have shots in plastic tubes.  I'm just too old for the Hangge Uppe and can see if for what it really is now.  Overpriced, crowded, dirty (so dirty), full of bachelorette parties, and oh yeah - there's no doors on the women's bathroom downstairs.  Not even stall doors.  21 year olds overlook a lot, don't they?  I'm a fan of pre-gaming, but I'm not a fan of going someplace you have to be absolutely smashed before you get there to even tolerate.  Also, I don't wait in line.  Ever.  For anything.  And there's always a line and I don't know why because they stuff everyone in anyway way past the point of fire safety codes.  Now, I don't ever say I'm too old for something lightly - I regularly play Edward 40 Hands and power hour, and will dress in costume to bar crawl for 16 hours - so if I tell you I'm too old for Hangge Uppe, it's really really bad. (I can't find photos from here but I bet Tara has them because we I went here after her 80s themed house warming party and I worse my Tom Cruise Risky Business costume to the bar.)

Social 25.  My friends' band has played here many times so I feel bad saying I hate it... but I don't feel bad.  Not really at all.  The stage for the band is tiny which pushes a giant ass crowd into a tiny little space right near the door.  The service is beyond awful, the bar line is many people deep and the bartenders take forever to get to you.  They actually make the band stop playing pretty early to have a DJ play, but it's so loud you can't even hear someone yelling in your ear.  And by 'have a DJ play' I mean LMFAO on repeat for 3 hours.  There is a downstairs, which is where the bathroom is, and even though there's quite a few stalls, the line is always insane.  There's shorter lines with the same crowd in the 3 stall bathroom at Sluggers, so I don't understand it at all.  And the bouncers and door staff are obnoxious.  I totally get what a pain in the ass job that must be when people are drunk and feisty, but the door staff here are assholes to every single person, even at 8 pm when everyone is still sober.  I hate unnecessary rudeness.


I'm so done with all of these places.  What about you?  Have a least favorite place in your city?

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