33 Things I Still Haven't Learned in 33 Years

November 20, 2017

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Personally, I can't believe this day is already here, but it is - my 33rd birthday.  That seems like a big number but it's also my favorite number, and has been since I was little for no apparent reason other than it was Scottie Pippen's number even though Dennis Rodman was my favorite Bull.  I don't get it either.  But it's stuck with me over the years so I expect 33 to be a good year for me.

Anyway, I always do a birthday themed post to mark the occasion - 30 Questionable Things I've Done in 30 Years was a reader favorite, if you missed it.  Grown up adults in the blog world tend to use their birthday for nice, reflective posts where they tell you about all the wisdom they've gained over the years.  I don't play that.  Here's 33 things I absolutely have not learned in the last 33 years:

  1.  Where all my lip balms disappear to before I use them up.
  2.  How to quit lip balm at all because I've tried but I'm too addicted.
  3.  Why my parents kept signing me up for every sport ever, except hockey, even though the only athletic position I was ever good at was 'enforcer.'
  4.  How to give directions without saying things like 'turn left at the Mexican restaurant' or 'it's three blocks that way on your right.'
  5.  My limit.


  6.  How to keep a bra on past 2 minutes after I walk in my front door.
  7.  Why I ever thought it was a good idea to join a sorority.
  8.  To stop using companies that always let me down. (GrubHub, the Metra trains, Jimmy John's, AT&T, Bloglovin, etc. etc.)
  9.  How to do my own taxes.
  10.  Why people like The Office or Friends so much.
  11.  The proper measurements for cooking pasta for just one or two people.
  12.  To use chopsticks.
  13.  How to discipline Hawkeye.
  14.  Why people leave me voicemails.
  15.  How to tie shoelaces in a fashion that isn't 'bunny ears.'  (I swear.)
  16.  To open a box of pasta the way you're 'supposed to.'


  17.  How a game of monopoly actually comes to an end.
  18.  Why the electoral college still exists.
  19.  Any sort of workout I don't loathe.
  20.  How to walk in high heels without my feet hurting. Or, ya know, worse.


  21.  How to keep my wallet closed in Sephora.  Or any office supply store.
  22.  The proper age to stop bar crawling, keg stands and shotgunning beers, planning things like Tour de Franzia or bar golf... because I haven't hit it yet.
  23.  Why the Kardashians are famous.
  24.  What to get my dad for any gift-giving holiday.
  25.  How to do a cartwheel.
  26.  To sew anything more than a tiny hole or a button.
  27.  What girls who take over an hour to get ready do with all that time.
  28.  Why I keep paying for a smartphone when I use none of the smart features.
  29.  Math without a calculator or my fingers.
  30.  How to resist 'just one more episode.'
  31.  Where my weekends go.
  32.  How to keep my mouth shut when someone says or does something I don't agree with.
  33.  What ballpark liquid nacho cheese is actually made of.  (Because I don't want to know.)
Happy birthday to me!


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