The Post No One Wants to Write

March 28, 2018

And that no one wants to read either probably, but here we are.

Am I supposed to write something about trigger warning here?  Explain how this is not my usual light and fluffy posts about organizing closets and saving money?  Well, I don't care, because today is not about you, special snowflake.

Yesterday morning, my uncle killed himself.  There's no nice euphemisms being used here.  He didn't 'pass away.'  He stood in front of a train at 5:50 in the morning, on purpose.

We have no details and no answers.  Feel free to google 'Barrington train news.'  There, you now know as much as we do.  Because that's the thing about suicide, you never get the answers you need.

It took them about 6 hours to ID him and contact my aunt.  I've mentioned my aunt before, briefly, she's the one who has stage 4 oral cancer and no, there's no good news on that front or I would have mentioned it.  3 hours after that we made it to her house, with my parents, John, and my 3 cousins, his children.  Which, by the way, is my entire family.

We cried a lot and everyone is in shock.  Our entire lives have changed and no one has any clue what to do from here.  What do you do?  Call a funeral home?  They go get the body.  Is there much of a body left to get?  Are we allowed to?  There's an investigation, is it evidence?  Can we have a funeral, it's Easter weekend, they probably don't allow funerals on Good Friday?  And those are just the immediate logistical questions.  I can't even make a list of all the questions that come up about what happens next week, next month.  Who moves in with my aunt?  She can't be in that house alone, she's too sick.  What do we do for Easter?  Because that's right, he won't be here for Easter.  Or Father's Day.  Or Christmas.  Or for my aunt's recovery, or if she doesn't recover.  Or his daughter's wedding.  Or his grandson's kindergarten graduation.

I'm sad for my aunt and my cousins.  But I'll be honest here.  I'm mostly just angry.  Really, really angry.  And I'm sure that's not very PC of me, I'm sure I'm supposed to be saying 'depression is a monster, you can't think, it's their only way out.'  And all that is true, but I'm still angry because suicide is incredibly fucking selfish.  Dying is easy.  Your problems are over.  You put everything on the people you leave behind and it's selfish.  I mean, if anyone is allowed to kill themselves here, it's my aunt, the one with the actual cancer.  Not him.

There was no note that's been found, but I think we all assume it's about the cancer.  How does killing yourself make my aunt better?  That stress is only going to set her back.  If she's optimistic enough to not be killing herself, what gives you the right to do this to her?  And aren't your kids going through enough?  And jesus the poor train conductor, that's a worst nightmare situation that he has to relive now forever too.  Selfish.

I don't know, I'm ending the post there.  I should probably leave all these depression hotline numbers or something, but I won't.  You don't have to leave a comment, I won't respond to them anyway.  I'd turn them off but I don't know how so I won't be doing that either.  I have no idea if I'll let tomorrow's post go up as normal, we'll see.

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